Saturday, July 23, 2011


I feel like I'm on a mission to make myself as mainstream ugly as I possibly can. I grew out my body hair. At the time, I considered it a pretty loud statement. I started modeling and fell into the "natural woman" archetype, which I certainly didn't see coming. These days, I don't think about it much at all, and don't know what to say about it. Then I shaved my head, with but a very small amount of encouragement from friends. That came closer to doing the trick, but I still keep getting surprised here and there.

It's not that I want to be ugly, per se. It's just that I don't feel entirely comfortable with sexuality being written on to me, or the bulk of my modeling work. And I'm silly enough to believe that with enough modifications to my appearance, I can change others' perceptions of me. I'm silly enough to believe that I can stop others from writing their own storylines onto me.

But then an acquaintance went and threw me for a loop. I'd posted the above (strictly figurative) photo of me on The Kinky Facebook (TM) with the caption that it wasn't very kinky at all, but I didn't care. He commented, "Willingness to be beautiful - especially in an often not so beautiful world - is kink, in my most humble of opinions."

And damn if he didn't throw me for a loop with that one. That might very well be the first time that somebody has read something even vaguely erotic into a figurative photo without putting my hackles up. But I think that he hit on something there.

I do appreciate subversion. Maybe a little too much. And the suggestion that my appearance- and my assuredness in my appearance- is kink, is beautiful, is something beyond My Own Issues- that's pretty awesome for me. And maybe that's what I'm really going for. Not being ugly, but undercutting the expectations put upon me by everybody else. I am my own being, and I will fight to maintain my autonomy. The ways in which that fight manifests will change and evolve over time. But unless something goes very, very wrong, it is a fight that I will continue picking.

The photo, by the way, was shot by Shannon Piserchio. She is amazing.


  1. You have failed at any efforts you might have made to be ugly. You are a bright, stunning and engaging women.