Ugly

I feel like I'm on a mission to make myself as mainstream ugly as I possibly can. I grew out my body hair. At the time, I considered it a pretty loud statement. I started modeling and fell into the "natural woman" archetype, which I certainly didn't see coming. These days, I don't think about it much at all, and don't know what to say about it. Then I shaved my head, with but a very small amount of encouragement from friends. That came closer to doing the trick, but I still keep getting surprised here and there.

It's not that I want to be ugly, per se. It's just that I don't feel entirely comfortable with sexuality being written on to me, or the bulk of my modeling work. And I'm silly enough to believe that with enough modifications to my appearance, I can change others' perceptions of me. I'm silly enough to believe that I can stop others from writing their own storylines onto me.

But then an acquaintance went and threw me for a loop. I'd posted the above (strictly figurative) photo of me on The Kinky Facebook (TM) with the caption that it wasn't very kinky at all, but I didn't care. He commented, "Willingness to be beautiful - especially in an often not so beautiful world - is kink, in my most humble of opinions."

And damn if he didn't throw me for a loop with that one. That might very well be the first time that somebody has read something even vaguely erotic into a figurative photo without putting my hackles up. But I think that he hit on something there.

I do appreciate subversion. Maybe a little too much. And the suggestion that my appearance- and my assuredness in my appearance- is kink, is beautiful, is something beyond My Own Issues- that's pretty awesome for me. And maybe that's what I'm really going for. Not being ugly, but undercutting the expectations put upon me by everybody else. I am my own being, and I will fight to maintain my autonomy. The ways in which that fight manifests will change and evolve over time. But unless something goes very, very wrong, it is a fight that I will continue picking.

The photo, by the way, was shot by Shannon Piserchio. She is amazing.