Kari Marie

Cash Flow

2012-01-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

"I wish I could just travel around all the time."
It was a statement which was almost always tinged with resentment. Yeah, being a traveling model was pretty nifty. It was kind of like a two year long vacation, in a lot of ways. Tour the country, hang out with cool artists, go hiking with my dog. Sweet!

"You live out of your car? With your dog?"
And a look of moderate distaste, as though homeless-itis might be contagious. Suddenly things have lost their sexy, glamorous appeal.

Cashflow. Say it with me, now. Cash. Flow. Tim Ferriss might be a jerk in many ways, but one of the things that he absolutely nails is the concept of cash flow. Looking at where money is coming in, looking at where money is going out. And then considering how you can turn traditional paradigms upside down. Rework your cash flow so that you can live the life you want.

I made relatively little money as a full-time model. Something like $13,000 in 2010, the only full calendar year that I modeled as my exclusive source of income. Travel expenses were a substantial part of what I made, and travel was an absolute necessity to keep a steady(ish) flow of income. Plus, it was fun. But after a break-up that resulted in an abrupt cross-country relocation and loss of my doggysitter, I had to sit down and really go over my cash flow. I liked the gig. I didn't want to walk away from it. How was I going to make it work?

And then I realized, "Hey, I know what I don't need to spend money on. Rent!! Why pay for a place that I wouldn't be at terribly often anyhow?" I could pack up myself and the beagle, and hit the road indefinitely.

And so I did. And I can assure you that I'm not the only one to have finagled cash flow in a way that really worked for me, even when there was relatively little money coming in. I've known a freelance writer who spent half of the year living in a tiny beach town in Mexico. Couples that bust ass waiting tables and living in a cramped studio apartment for eight months at a time, then take a year to meander their way around the world. When they run low on money, they repeat the process.

Decide what you want, think creatively, consider what you can cut out of the current budget, and you can make it happen.

Kari's Guide to Not Passing Out

2011-12-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

Awhile back, somebody happened upon my blog with the search string "holding a pose and started getting lightheaded." I could imagine the circumstances that led to somebody sitting down to search online to seek an explanation, or some understanding behind what must have happened that day. Why would a normally healthy person be suddenly struck by lightheadedness while they were simply standing around?

The fact is that sooner or later most life models get hit by lightheadedness while working. It just comes the the job. It doesn't mean you're unhealthy, it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it doesn't mean that you're a failure as a model. It just means that you do a job that involves stressing and challenging your body in a way that nature didn't quite plan for. It's okay. It happens to the best of 'em.

Happily, there are a handful of things that can be done to head off getting lightheaded on the job.

Temperature
Of the handful of times that I've had to break a pose early, I've often either been in a very hot room or right by a heater. I get cold easily, so it is all too tempting for me to snuggle up next to a blasting hot fireplace or heater. After 10-20 minutes though, it can start getting pretty intense, even for me. Be aware of the temperature and how your body responds to it, and adjust things as necessary.

Self-Care
Not eating well the day or two before a session. Getting worn down from too much time on the road. I've found that being in states like these make me more vulnerable to getting lightheaded. If I know that, for whatever reason, I'm apt to start getting droopy, I make a point of having some sort of sugary hard candy with me. And not that zero-calorie sugar-free shit- something that will give me a prompt glucose kick if I need it.

Poses
Tweaking body parts into extreme angles is all fine and dandy for photoshoots and gestures, but can get dicier if you're going to be holding the pose for more than a minute or two. I've found that excessively contorting and stretching my torso, or selecting poses that really ratchet my arms behind me, can start doing weird things to me. It's fine for gestures, but once poses are lasting five plus minutes, those poses can become more problematic. Standing poses can also be challenging over longer periods of time if it's a hot room or you haven't eaten in awhile. Occasionally pump the muscles in your legs to keep blood flowing. It's a good habit to be in, even if you're feeling great.

Even with this awareness, lightheadness can still sneak up. If it does, let the artist(s) know what's going on, and that you need to take a break. Even if it means breaking the pose early. Get some water, and something with sugar in it- candy, fruit, non-diet soda, whatever. Take a minute to sit, and then move around or stretch. Once you've bounced back, go for easier poses for the rest of the night.

And remember- it's okay.

Understanding Motivations

2011-12-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

I've maintained for quite awhile that art modeling honed more skills than knowing how to pose. But I've also struggled to articulate exactly what these other skills were. "I, uh, I've gotten better at organizing stuff, and managing logistics! And networking! And, um, some other stuff!"

It was not a very convincing argument.

Since backing away from full-time modeling, and spending more time outside of that realm, I've gleaned some insights into exactly what those other skills were. They certainly aren't academic, and they aren't even the types of skills that are usually identified as useful. But they sure are handy.

One of those skills is understanding motivations. As a freelance model, you communicate with a whole slew of people. Even working within a very limited genre, I encountered all kinds of folks. As it is a field which has some risks associated, understanding the motivations of people was incredibly valuable. Why is this person contacting me? Why are they offering what they are? Is this compatible with my goals? What risks am I exposing myself to here? These questions are almost never explicitly discussed, but they are questions which you can answer as you being to develop the ability to understand others' motivations.

There were two events which led me to realizing that this is a skill that is honed by successful freelance models.

The first was entirely outside of the realm of modeling. I recently acquired a freelance writing gig. There were a few red flags associated with this particular gig, but not enough to fully throw on the breaks- just enough to proceed with caution. I took to referring to it as my "might-be-a-scam-job" right up until the first check cleared- which, by the way, it did. But at each step of the way, I evaluated what a legitimate company would be getting out of the deal, what a scammer would be getting out of the deal, and my own vulnerability by proceeding.

While chatting with another writer friend, she commented that she's always afraid that writing gigs on Craig's List are scams, and therefore doesn't pursue any of them. That was when I started realizing that working as a freelance model had helped me identify and understand motivations. I don't just know what obvious red flags to look for, but how to examine the subtleties of each situation. This helps me write off true scams- even sneaky ones- and take advantage of legitimate opportunities.

The other event which helped me realize that understanding motivations is a useful skill was a forum discussion on Model Mayhem. A model had been offered a truly obscene amount of money for a shoot- the rate was well above standard market rates. Red flag. She had done some background checking, and everything was coming up clear. She started a discussion about the situation to see others thoughts.

Many of the responses were along the lines of, "Oh my God, SCAM, it's obviously a scam and the photographer expects sex." But a few highly experienced models chimed in with alternate experiences. Sometimes people really do have that much money to burn, and decide to use it this way. Sometimes photographers do offer rates that are twice, or more, what a model generally quotes. It's something which requires some deeper digging to make a final call, but if that all checks out- sweet! Payday!

Understanding motivations comes into play in other aspects of freelance modeling, as well. What types of imagery does this photographer want to create? Will it be more appropriate for me to be quiet and business-minded, or dive into upbeat banter? Is this shoot going to be a therapeutic experience for the photographer? Or is he just looking to get his rocks off? Being able to identify motivations and intentions based off of unspoken cues is hugely important.

If, as a model, you don't hone this ability, you will sink. You'll get in over your head with scams and photographers that don't send up obvious red flags, and you'll miss legitimate opportunities that are suspicious on the surface.

It's a skillset that I developed as a model, but that continues to serve me. Anytime I'm working with other people, for any reason, I am considering their motives. Once I know these, I can make sure that everybody's interests are met- win-win all around. It's subtle, it's hard to pin down, but make no mistake- it's important.

365 Project

2011-10-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

I recently started a 365 project. It pretty much entails shooting a self-portrait every day for a year. I'm on day ten. My hope is that the project will give me some sort of structure to grow and push myself as a photographer. It's an excuse to fiddle around with different lighting, different framing, different concepts. The only restriction that I've put on myself with regards to content is that it must be a self-portrait.

Although I'm only ten days into it, I'm fascinated by the results. I have done some experimentation with different set-ups than I usually use. Sometimes it's worked well. Other times the results have been less-than-stellar. This is about what I expected, though I'm pleased to have had definitive positive results so quickly into the project.

What has really taken me by surprise is the content that I've gravitated towards thus far. A good third of the photos have been goofy high-key portraits. Usually I'm into shooting things like erotic imagery, and expressive gesture and figure studies. I gravitate towards anonymous nudes. I often like dramatic, moody lighting. So I have no bloody clue why all of a sudden I'm getting such a kick out of shooting myself making stupid faces, or wearing dorky underwear and socks.

I made a brief attempt at fighting it, but for the time, I think I'm going to go ahead and ride this trend. I have another 355 days left, which will be plenty of time for me to gravitate back to torsos, rope, and visual drama. For now, it's an exercise in joy.

Coming Home

2011-09-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

I love the giddiness of setting out on a new bout of travel. The sense of adventure, the buzz and energy of everything that might be. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, and reconnecting with those I've already met. But you know what one of my favorite parts of a trip is?

Coming home.

I spent the past week and a half in Minneapolis and Indianapolis. The trip was entirely a personal one- no shoots, no sittings, nothing. But it was a great chance to be social with new and old friends in Minneapolis, and get some solid time in with family in Indianapolis.

And as I departed for home? Buzz. Excitement. That same hum that I get when I depart for trips, I get going home. I can't wait to get back to Colorado and sink my teeth into everything that I want, and need, to do. Building a business. 365 project. Non-profits. Income stabilization. Snuggling with Jitterbug. Exciting things, important-to-me things. Things that make it good to be home.

Ugly

2011-07-23T19:48:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm on a mission to make myself as mainstream ugly as I possibly can. I grew out my body hair. At the time, I considered it a pretty loud statement. I started modeling and fell into the "natural woman" archetype, which I certainly didn't see coming. These days, I don't think about it much at all, and don't know what to say about it. Then I shaved my head, with but a very small amount of encouragement from friends. That came closer to doing the trick, but I still keep getting surprised here and there.

It's not that I want to be ugly, per se. It's just that I don't feel entirely comfortable with sexuality being written on to me, or the bulk of my modeling work. And I'm silly enough to believe that with enough modifications to my appearance, I can change others' perceptions of me. I'm silly enough to believe that I can stop others from writing their own storylines onto me.

But then an acquaintance went and threw me for a loop. I'd posted the above (strictly figurative) photo of me on The Kinky Facebook (TM) with the caption that it wasn't very kinky at all, but I didn't care. He commented, "Willingness to be beautiful - especially in an often not so beautiful world - is kink, in my most humble of opinions."

And damn if he didn't throw me for a loop with that one. That might very well be the first time that somebody has read something even vaguely erotic into a figurative photo without putting my hackles up. But I think that he hit on something there.

I do appreciate subversion. Maybe a little too much. And the suggestion that my appearance- and my assuredness in my appearance- is kink, is beautiful, is something beyond My Own Issues- that's pretty awesome for me. And maybe that's what I'm really going for. Not being ugly, but undercutting the expectations put upon me by everybody else. I am my own being, and I will fight to maintain my autonomy. The ways in which that fight manifests will change and evolve over time. But unless something goes very, very wrong, it is a fight that I will continue picking.

The photo, by the way, was shot by Shannon Piserchio. She is amazing.

Aesthetic Intimacy

2011-07-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a concept which was, hands down, one of the most useful tools I've found for describing what we get out of different types of relationships. It was a list of different types of intimacy. Some were obvious ones- emotional and sexual intimacy, for example. Others were types of intimacy which I had never considered before. One of those was aesthetic intimacy.

Have you ever seen a sunset over mountains so beautiful that it took your breath away? Combined ingredients in just the perfect way to compose an exquisite symphony of flavors? Marveled at how the morning light brings out the most perfect glow on human skin? Then you, my friend, have experienced aesthetic intimacy. It can be intimacy with yourself, a lover, friends, or even a stranger. But it is still an intimate experience.

Suddenly having that concept gave me a really interesting lens to view my work over the past few years as an art model. I absolutely love working with people who I click with on an aesthetic level. People who appreciate the gestures of hands, soft but dramatic light, finding that perfect composition. When I step into the studio with somebody who works on the same aesthetic wavelength as me, magic happens. Yeah, baby, we've got some serious aesthetic intimacy going on.

Of course, aesthetic intimacy doesn't translate to sexual intimacy. Or affectionate intimacy. Or even social intimacy. But it's still a type of intimacy that I treasure, and one which I will continue to seek out with others.

Last Time Around

2011-05-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

Seattle, Washington is where I started modeling. It is fitting that Seattle, Washington is where I will wrap up my last trip as a full-time model. As of Thursday evening, my days as a vagabonding nudie model will be done.

There's no single reason that I've decided to throw in the towel. Part of it was burn-out, and a building resentment toward my job. Part of it was extremely poor booking through late winter and early spring. And part of it was that I just hate sunblock.

So what does this mean for this blog? Well for one thing, it means that things are going to get a whole lot more honest. I've chosen not to write about things like rates, or things which I find irritating. Dropping back from full-time modeling allows me to write about those without fear of losing jobs due to surliness, or shooting myself in the foot financially. I'm sure that local work for drawing groups, painters, and the occasional photographer will also provide me with periodic inspiration and blog fodder.

Burn out aside, I could not have hoped for a better two years as a traveling model. I have worked with some incredible people. The generosity and goodness of strangers has astounded me time and time again. I was successful in but a few of the obvious ways, but in all of the ways which matter to me.

And now? Now it's time for a new adventure.

No, really, EVERYBODY will see you naked- the family edition

2011-04-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

My father has coped with multiple nightmare visions with regards to his daughter, the nude model. Most of them, predictably, involve me in small pieces in the woods. Others are a bit less gruesome. He shared one of them with me about two years ago, when I began modeling full-time and in multiple cities, including Indianapolis. My father has lived his whole life there, and not surprisingly, has a well-established base of friends and family in the area. Some of them like art. He expressed concern over the potential that somebody that he, or we, knew, was going to wander into a gallery and unwittingly come face to face with me. Naked, and framed.

I forget how I reassured him in this particular regard. "I promise it will be tasteful? I look really different without clothing or glasses, so most people won't recognize me? There's hardly anybody in Indiana who wants to hire me, anyways?" In any case, it was a topic that passed largely undiscussed after that.

Today I was talking to my mother, and she asked if I'd received an e-mail from my father about the Stutz. I immediately started laughing and asked, "Oh geeze, he found Travis' studio, didn't he?" Sure enough, my father wandered into a studio and unwittingly came face to face with me. Naked, and framed.

My father has seen relatively little of my modeling work. He has seen some of it along the way, but not much. Most of our conversations about my job revolve around travel and taxes.

But, if his e-mail to my mother serves as any indicator, he wholeheartedly approved of these pieces. And I can't say that I'm surprised. Travis is an exceptionally talented painter, and I'm proud of every one of his paintings that I've been a part of. Given a choice of whose work I'd most like my father to stumble upon, Travis would be at the top of the list. So I lucked out in that regard.

Putting yourself out there, as a model, truly does mean putting yourself out there for the world to see. Years after I've stopped modeling, representations of me will still be floating around. Photographs, paintings, sketches, sculptures-- they will last well after I'm no longer active as a model. And they'll be out there for all the world to see. Even Dad.

Three in one!

2011-03-11T21:21:00.001-08:00

My car is my vehicle. It is sometimes my office. It is oftentimes a hotel room.

Traveling by car is a great way to hit smaller markets, save money on the road, and- of course- take in the cross-country landscape. With very few exceptions (Manhattan!), driving is my preferred means of travel. But it took me awhile to get my legs under me, so to speak. I'd like to share some of the insights that I've gleaned the hard way, for others who are looking at extended travel by car.

Organization
Do not underestimate the value of organization. I started out packing my car in a way that everything fit neatly, with some consideration for accessibility. I did not take time to consider what needed to be accessible from where. Will I want to be able to access the cooler from the driver's seat? Which clothing bin should be on top when they're stacked? Will it REALLY be practical to move that bag from the back to the driver's seat every single night and morning that I sleep in my car? Some organization comes from trial-and-error, but forethought can help quite a bit.

Nest-building
Sleeping in my car has saved me a ton of money. Sleeping in my car has also made my back hurt. Happily, there are ways to avoid the latter. My car is a hatchback, so I sleep down one side of the "trunk" and on the back of the folded-down back seat. I try to even out the bump where the seat folds over as much as possible with padding, then put a thermarest over the entire thing. Sometimes it becomes tempting to tell myself, "Oh, it won't be that bad" as I skimp on padding. I inevitably regret the decision to skimp on padding. Having a very toasty sleeping bag has also been invaluable. If you error to one side or the other, error on the side of more warm and squishy things, rather than fewer.

Rest stops and truck stops
It turns out that if you just park on the side of a meandering scenic road with "No Overnight Parking" signs, you really will get a 2 AM wake-up from a cop. It sucks. Rest stops are great for overnight stays, as are truck stops. Try to park such that lights won't be shining directly into your eyes when you're curled up in your car nest. I wouldn't recommend staying at the same place for more than one night in a row- I just use rest stops and truck stops when I'm doing multi-day drives.

My preferred truck stops are TA, Pilot, and Flying J. Rest stops in California are frequently closed- if you're starting to get sleepy and see one that's open, pull off. Don't believe the sign that says there's another in 40 or however many miles, as it may be closed. That said, I've found that California rest stops tend to have great views. I really love staying at the rest stop on I-80 just on the Utah side of the Utah/Nevada border- waking up at the edge of the salt flats is great.

Food
Do not doubt the power of the almighty cooler. Do not doubt the importance of actually keeping ice in the cooler. It's really, really nice to be able to keep refrigeration-required food on the road, but you can go through ice pretty quickly. I tried to eat food that was less forgiving of temperature swings first.

Cups of dehydrated soup which only require hot water are fantastic if you want to feel like you're eating something resembling a real meal without sitting down at a restaurant. I use the hot water dispensers at gas stations (by the coffee maker) where I've filled up. I try not to take advantage of gas station services without buying at least SOMETHING- gas, peanuts, whatever.

Extended travel by car can be a great adventure. Even though I'm not longer a full-time nomad, I do enjoy roadtrips, and the chance to use my car not just as a vehicle, but as the three-in-one wonder that it really is.

Warm Fuzzies

2011-02-24T21:42:00.000-08:00

I love warm fuzzies. Being able to feel good about what I'm doing is one of my primary motivators in life. While art modeling is not the overtly do-gooder occupation that working in a low-cost veterinary clinic was, I still get the warm fuzzies of helping people bring their artistic vision to life. Seeing photographers delight in nailing the shot that they've had batting around their head feels great, and it's a huge part of what I love about art modeling.

But there's a disturbing trend that I've noticed. There's this notion lurking out there that if one gets warm fuzzies for an action, that ought to be all the payment that they need. Somehow, the idea of somebody being paid with money or other goods for their effort is offensive, or objectionable. I saw it in the veterinary clinic. I've seen it with those sharing their knowledge in the form of classes, workshops, or skillshares. I've seen it as an art model.

If you respect and appreciate what somebody does- the knowledge, skillset, and experience that they bring to the table- give that person more than just warm fuzzies. We throw money at clothes, shiny new technology, computer games, and all sorts of other stuff. Let's give something more than warm fuzzies to the people who truly enrich our lives. People who bring us music, lessons and inspiration for wonderful things with lovers, and- yes- those who help us realize our artistic vision.

Modelographers

2011-01-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

It's a term that gets thrown around, often in a somewhat derogatory way, to describe those of us who spend time on both sides of the camera. Some came to modeling through photography, and others of us came to photography through modeling.

I always find it fascinating to see the differences and similarities in somebody's work, depending on what side of the camera they're on. I find it especially fascinating if I'm already familiar with their work as a model.

When working as a model, you're fitting yourself into somebody else's vision. You still have the leeway to pick and choose whose visions you help bring to life, and which of those visions you add to your portfolio. Personal artistic preferences, marketability, any number of considerations can influence that decision. You can certainly glean insights into somebody by the modeling work that they choose to display, but it doesn't tell you everything.

When working as a photographer, you're in the driver's seat. I love seeing what models do when they fully hold the reins of creative control. While many photographers will offer to shoot model's concepts, I've found that I'm often better off shooting my ideas myself. I can't help but wonder if others have had the same experience. Shooting your own concept allows you to build, adjust, refine it from the ground up.

To see somebody's work as a model, you see who they are through the lenses of others. When you see somebody's work as a photographer, you see who they are- what compels them, what they find captivating, inspiring- through their own eyes.

Or at the very least, you learn what they find visually interesting.

Questions from an Outsider

2011-01-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

I recently received an e-mail from a first-time visitor to my blog. He specified that he is not an artist, and knows nothing about modeling, and asked if I would be willing to answer some questions for him. Absolutely! I highly doubt that he is the only person who has wondered such things, so I figured I would share my answers here. My responses are specific to the world of freelance modeling, as that is where my experience is.

1. What "qualifies" someone to be a model? I know fashion models have to be freakishly tall and skinny. Ad models usually have to be strikingly beautiful. One of your "Highlight" posts is entitled "It's Not About Being Pretty." Reading a few more of your posts it seems like it's also not (just) about being willing to take off your clothes. So unless you're an extraordinary physical specimen what makes people willing to pay you to model? I don't mean to denigrate you (note that I can't even tell from your tiny blog photo what you look like).

The "qualifications" for being a model depend, at least partially, upon what type of modeling one is doing. Fashion (runway, vogue...) modeling does have pretty specific requirements so far as body-types, as does commercial (most ad campaigns) modeling. These are the types of modeling where agencies are the primary means of getting work. Somebody with a suitable look can walk in off the street, get signed with an agency, and being working as a model shortly thereafter. The vast, vast majority of us do not have a suitable look.

Freelance modeling tends to be much more flexible in its requirements. Glamour (ie, Maxim-style) modeling generally requires a curvier figure. Art (ie, what I do) modeling offers the most wiggle room in appearance, though slim, bendy models are generally preferred. The point at which one "becomes" a model within these genres is hazier, and the subject of many extended arguments on the internet. Experience and reputation tend to be more important.

Of course, some people just want to hang out with a hot naked chick for a couple of hours and use "model photography" as a means to do so. Being reasonably attractive and willing to have poor-quality photographers of yourself on the internet are really the only qualifications for this type of modeling.

2. You talk about how you build up a reputation and clientelle as you continue to work, so it sounds like there's something you do as a model that you learn or get good at. Is this just a matter of learning the ropes of the industry -- i.e., are all models who've done enough gigs on equal footing as far as experience, and thus just competing based on their appearance? Or can you continue to build value as a model over a period of years, so that you're competing more on experience than appearance?

Some models pick "it" up faster than others. Experience does help quite a bit, but it would be inaccurate to say that everybody starts, or ends, on equal footing. Some people have brilliant intuition about how to move in front of a camera, and pose themselves. Many people are able to learn and improve over time, though for some it never really quite "clicks." Models can absolutely build value over time as they gain experience, as well as a reputation and name-recognition.

3. Your New Year post noted you "had a couple of less-than-stellar shoot experiences." What makes a shoot experience good or bad?

In a good shoot experience, I am able to help a photographer bring his or her vision into being. We shoot at a comfortable pace, communicate clearly, and produce excellent images. The vast majority of my shoots are positive experiences.

Several things can make for a bad shoot experience. Miscommunications, misunderstandings, and/or full-out intentional violations of boundaries tend to be the biggest problems.

The boundaries can be in poses/shoot content (ie, legs spread, sitting on a toilet, implied masturbation...). By and large, a simple "No" resolves this, and the shoot is a positive experience. I do not begrudge clarifying my personal boundaries and limits. When it DOES become frustrating is when I am repeatedly telling a photographer that I am uncomfortable with the concept or pose that I'm being asked to shoot.

Some photographers have difficulties with physical boundaries. While some touching to adjust a pose is reasonable and normal, some photographers tend to be unnecessarily handsy (ie, just leaving their hand on my waist while they contemplate how they want to frame the shot), or seem to forget that they are moving an actual human, not a prop (ie, unnecessarily rough adjustments).

Some models have had far worse experiences, ranging from physical assault to being paid with a bounced check. I've never had a negative experience on par with either of those, and for that I am quite happy.

Ultimately, the negative experiences that I've had as a model do not compare to the negative experiences that I had working in a veterinary clinic or as a wildlife rehabilitation intern. Quite frankly, the most disrespectful people who I've known worked in the veterinary and animal care fields- usually as my employer.

4. Are there known lines in the industry separating "art" from "pornography?" (And perhaps varying degrees of pornography?) I.e., when you go to a shoot as a nude model is it clear what you will and won't be doing in front of the camera? If so, what are the lines and how are they described in the industry? Or is this something that you have to negotiate on site since you don't "know it 'til you see it?"

Again, this has been the subject of many arguments on the internet. There are some generally agreed-upon limits, though. One boundary that is typically thrown around is "up to playboy-style nudes." Art nudes are generally understood to put an emphasis on form, rather than sexuality. Glamour nudes are generally understood to be more sexually charged, without being explicit (ie, no legs spread, no actual masturbation).

By and large, people who hire me have a pretty good idea of the kind of content that I shoot as a model, and things go smoothly. What one displays in their portfolio generally is used as an indicator of the type of work they are willing to do. Some people do read sensuality into my work as a model, but usually that can be ironed out in pre-shoot discussions. Most people give me an idea of what they would like to shoot, but I have walked into shoots without any specific discussion of what shoot content will be. Because all of my work as a model is within a pretty specific genre, people who hire me are almost always planning to shoot similar content.

Edit: My apologies for the wonky formatting on this.

New Year

2011-01-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

On my now-neglected, non-modeling blog, I've filled out this same year-end survey for the past several years. I'm due for an entry, so I'll fill it out with a modeling slant here:

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
I moved into my car in a semi-permanent way. I spent time in the southwest.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Let's see... I did manage to shoot self-portraits in multiple places, my wireless shutter trigger is safe in my camera bag, my posing has gotten more dynamic, I roped several friends into modeling for me, and I did manage to write here on a regular basis. I've found a few nifty shoot locations in Colorado, though not as many as I would have liked to.

3. What countries did you visit?
I have yet to travel internationally for modeling. That whole tax law thing makes me uneasy.

4. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A softbox.

5. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 6th, when I moved out of my car and into a real!! house!!!-- with an address and everything!

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
One of my photos was accepted into the upcoming Dirty Show. I'm quite pleased about that.

7. What was your biggest failure?
The complete lack of work while I was in Arizona was pretty disappointing.

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major. Jitterbug was struck with some serious GI distress while we were in LA, though.

9. What was the best thing you bought?
Gas. Food. My Alien Bee B400.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh, golly, not to name names, but... Andrew Baran always makes visits to Omaha pretty great, Shannon Piserchio has consistently been a pleasure to shoot with, and a recent collaboration with Travis Little resulted in a painting with which I am absolutely thrilled.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I had a couple of less-than-stellar shoot experiences, but I'd say that they left me more irritated than anything. Last-minute cancellations were similarly irritating. All in all though, I really don't have much to complain about.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Travel-related expenses

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Convincing a friend to meet me in Salt Lake City so we could spend the weekend eating our way around town. Hiking in the southwest. Acceptance into Dirty Show.

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
About the same.

ii. thinner or fatter?
About the same.

iii. richer or poorer?
About the same.

Aren't I unremarkable?

15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hiking at home. Shooting. Drawing.

16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Driving poorly-planned routes. Indianapolis-DC-Birmingham-Indianapolis-Chicago-Indianapolis-Chicago-Indianapolis within a couple of weeks is not a clever "loop," as it turns out.

17. What did you want and get?
Rich experiences. Great images.

18.What did you want and not get?
There really wasn't anything which was seriously lacking in my life this year.

19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25, had two shoots, then took myself out to lunch.

20. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A more comfortable nest for sleeping in the back of my car. It worked well enough, but the bump where the seat folds over was absolutely brutal if I lay on it wrong!

21. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
As much as possible, I still wear the same clothes that I did four years ago. I avoid things that will leave marks. If it is comfortable, I am happy.

22. What kept you sane?
Snuggling with Jitterbug.

23. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Can we talk about lighting or something, instead?

24. What political issue stirred you the most?
TSA issues, and related concerns over personal liberties.

25. Who did you miss?
Loved ones. Thank goodness for unlimited texting!

26. Who was the best new person you met?
Clearly this meme was not written by somebody who meets hundreds of new people every year. There were some pretty remarkable couchsurfing hosts along the way, though. I can definitely tell you that much.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Don't forget to take off the lens cap!

No, really, EVERYBODY will see you naked

2010-12-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

I advocate for nude models being prepared for anybody and everybody that they know to come across their work. Once you're naked on the internet, it's there forever and you can never take it back- all that usual blather. Even with that very vocal stance, it turns out that I neglected to think of every single person who might see me nude on the internet.

Backstory: When I was a freshman in high school, instead of taking a standard gym class, I opted for doing extracurricular activities and having instructors sign off for my gym credit. It spared me the humiliation of being the awkward uncoordinated kid in front of my peers, which was my main incentive. As part of this program, I jazzercised. I grapevined, right-left-right-righted, and and jazz-squared my way to personal fitness. All of this was with a regular group of older women, who I ended up getting to know pretty well. Over the years, I've stayed in occasional contact with a few people. My mother still goes to classes on a regular basis as well.

While chatting with my mom this evening, she mentioned that I had come up in conversation with one of my former jazzercise cohorts. They were talking about my job, and the specifics of it (ie, that yes, "art model" means "nude"). And my mother, ever proud of her nekkid daughter, gave her the url to my website.

I confess- this is one person that I had not considered seeing me nude. Family? I'm totally fine with my relatives seeing my work. Friends? No big deal. Employers from normal jobs? Possibly a little awkward, but nothing unmanageable. Jazzercize ladies? Whoa whoa whoa, that is just too much.

But ya know what? It's already happened. Because- all together now- once you're naked on the internet, you can never take it back. And so, even though I had a brief "WTF?!" moment at this turn of events, it's okay. I appear to be the only one spazzing out over this, which I guess makes me pretty dang lucky.

Permission to Fail

2010-12-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

Sitting for drawing classes at local community colleges has given me exposure to new approaches to drawing. Some are techniques to which I've been exposed previously, and others have been completely new to me. Across the board, I've found that many of the techniques require giving yourself permission to fail.

Ah ha! My drawing has long-since become stagnant. I've needed to throw something new into the mix, and I realized that I now had a plan. I was going to give myself permission to fail.

Alas, between travel and other commitments, I hadn't actually made it to a drawing group since that revelation. Until today. I headed down to Boulder for the short pose drawing session at one of the groups that I sit for.

I did great with the two and five minute poses- I drew the model as nothing but the predominant shapes and forms in her figure. I drew her as a squiggly little ball of energy. Blind contour drawings, and just plain blind drawings. Negative spaces. I was all over the place with my sketches.

By the time that the ten minute poses rolled around, my drawing was a wreck. I did more of the same, drawing the same pose over and over in different styles. My sketch pad was utter chaos, and the figure was barely even discernible through the chaos. Permission to fail, granted.

Then came the fifteen minute poses. Something clicked in my brain. I slowed down. I actually looked at what I was drawing. I put thought into the lines that I was putting down. I checked angles and proportions before committing them to paper. After an hour of being a complete spaz, I was able to connect with the drawing.

It had worked! Though I ended up skipping out on the 25 minute poses, the last two drawings that I did were the strongest that I've done in quite awhile. I had to reach for a different place to get there, and to do that, I had to let myself flail for awhile. I failed, but it was the failure that allowed me to succeed.

Air Travel

2010-11-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

There are a few places that I prefer to reach by flight. Manhattan springs to mind, as does San Francisco. I'd planned on flying to Seattle late next spring, rather then trekking overland through the Rockies. All in all, I planned on taking about ten flights in 2011. Really, air travel adds some non-negligible convenience to my life.

But I'm going to be staying out of airports for awhile. As you've likely heard, TSA has upped security protocol to include full body scanners or, if one opts out of the scan, a full-contact, open-handed pat-down. Adults as well as children over the age of 13 are subject to the new procedures. Deciding at the last minute to opt out of security, and your flight, entirely, can lead to the threat of a lawsuit.

So what's the big deal for me? I'm not especially put off by the idea of strangers seeing what I look like nude- it would be an understatement to say that that cat has long since gotten out of the bag. Though I don't enjoy the idea of having every area on my body subject to touch by a stranger, I don't expect that any therapy would be necessary to recover from the experience. Why not just deal with it as yet another airport annoyance?

I like civil liberties. I like being able to go about my day-to-day life without being watched over my shoulder, and without invasions of my personal privacy. Over the past decade, I've watched a gradual creep toward a more Orwellian world. Those who have been paying attention to politics longer than I have tend to have similar observations. I don't want to be another voice saying, "What's the big deal? It's just a little thing." Those little things add up, and they've been adding up for awhile.

There's no obvious, universal place to draw the line in the sand as what is "too much." It's difficult to pin down the exact time when it is appropriate to start voicing concerns, and the exact time when it is appropriate to make decisions based on those concerns. I've spent plenty of time over the past few years running my mouth about how civil liberties are slipping away. And now, I'm going to put actions behind my words.

Until TSA backs down from their new procedures- and I certainly hope that they will- I'm going to skip air travel for all but unanticipated emergencies. New York, I'll still be seeing you in January. But this time around, I'll be arriving by train.

Snow

2010-11-11T05:59:00.000-08:00

Loveland, CO got its first snow of the season last night. Alas, I'm currently in Indianapolis, where the weather has been rather balmy the past few days. It was a similar story last year- I was cruising along I-70 on my way to Colorado when the first snow hit, but it was entirely melted by the time that I arrived.

I snapped this shot the second time it snowed, though. And for now, y'all will have to settle for a repost. Once again, my campy first snow shot is going to come on the second snow of the year. Ah, well. These are the sacrifices I make.

Normalcy

2010-10-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

The majority of the people who I meet have already seen me naked before we ever have a conversation. If somebody hasn't already seen me naked, that usually changes in fairly short order. This is normal for me, and it's really not something that I think about anymore. For me, it's a fact as mundane as the fact that I have brown hair.

I recently had a friendly reminder that, in fact, this is not normal for most people. This past weekend, I was at a coffeeshop with a few friends. We camped out near somebody who we took to be the poor unfortunate sucker with a laptop who was seated near the only three open chairs in the place. As our caffeine-fueled banter developed, my partner leaned over and apologized for our general rowdiness. Happily, the apology served as a jumping point for him to join the conversation, and a new friend was made. We'll call him D.

An hour or so into conversation, the topic of my job came up. Like many folks do, D asked a few questions about exactly what it is that I do. One of my friends jumped in with, "Google her name! Kari Marie!" This is exactly what he did, apparently not expecting that the first hit would take him directly to my tits. Surprise!!

He didn't make it past the splash page, citing a general feeling of awkwardness. Since, ya know, he had just met me. I can appreciate that. I must admit though, it's a sentiment which I had forgotten existed. For me, it's perfectly normal that everybody in my life knows what my body looks like. It's skin, muscles, bones, and at the end of the day, nothing to write home about.

So, D, if you happen to read this- congratulations! I see you made it back to my website, and have thus joined the vast majority of the people that I know in having seen what my body looks like. Pretty mundane, no? Glad you made it, anyhow.

Smashed

2010-10-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Though I publicly claim to live in Denver, I actually live in Loveland, a small town in northern Colorado. On one hand, Loveland is a thriving arts community- downtown is dotted with sculptures, galleries abound, and I've been able to keep busy locally working with figurative artists. Still, Loveland is a very small, rural town- everybody knows everybody, many residents are quite socially conservative, and it is damn near impossible to find an open coffeeshop after seven in the evening.

Recently, Loveland the arts community has been pitted against Loveland the small, conservative community. A couple of blocks away from my home, protesters have been picketing a local museum for the past week or so. Their objection? A lithograph depicting implied oral sex involving Jesus. I hadn't yet made it to the museum to see first-hand, and I'm afraid that I no longer will be able to. Yesterday evening, a woman entered the museum with a crowbar and destroyed the piece. An article from the local newspaper can be found here.

I am fortunate enough to spend the vast majority of my time with people who are truly open-minded. I don't mean "open-minded" in the sense that they happen to agree with my philosophy and politics. I mean open-minded in the sense that they are willing to listen to others ideas and values. From the artists who hire me, to the couchsurfers I stay with, to the friends and acquaintances I have at home, I am incredibly fortunate to spend my days around thoughtful individuals.

Recent events have been a reminder to me that the entire world is not like that which I have created for myself. There are people who seek to silence others' expressions. But while you may be able to shred a a painting with a crowbar, you can't shred an idea in the same way. You can bet that I'll be making more of an effort to visibly, vocally support the arts. It doesn't matter if I personally agree with an individual piece or not. What matters is that it is allowed to exist.

Art of the Gesture

2010-10-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've had a few opportunities as of late to model for drawing sessions doing exclusively gesture poses. I discussed gesture poses briefly in a recent entry, but I'll go into more detail here. I'm writing this with sketching in mind, but much of what I say here can be generalized to photography, as well.

The intent behind gesture drawings is to capture the essence of the pose- the basic lines, form, and movement. To aid artists in doing this, I try to make my poses coherent, with everything from weight distribution to limb placement, working together to form a single, unified gesture. Oftentimes, I have a mood or emotion in mind for a given pose.

Because gesture poses tend to be more strenuous than longer poses one may hold, I try to rotate through which limb is being strained. I shift the bulk of my weight from one leg to the other. If I've had an arm stretched out in to space or supporting weight, I generally let it rest in a more relaxed position for the next pose. If I arch dramatically back for one pose, I'll leave my torso in a more neutral position, or else curled forward in the next pose. By the end of a run of gestures, I'm generally aching fairly evenly all over.

I take the time in one pose to scheme for the next one. I start with a general idea of what I'd like to do, then refine it. Are all of the various pieces working together? Am I going to be stressing a limb which is already burning? Is the pose adequately different from those that I've already struck? How will I rotate, to maximize both variety and favorable angle for the artist(s) who are working? By taking the time to consider all of these factors, I can quickly move from one well-executed pose to another.

If there's interest, I'll shoot a series of self-portraits of a few gesture poses, and go into further detail on each pose. Of course, feedback or additional suggestions are always welcome.

Communication

2010-09-25T17:19:00.001-07:00

I've exchanged messages with hundreds, perhaps thousands of artists. Some of these exchanges have resulted in shoots or drawing/painting sessions. Others haven't. Of the ones that haven't, there's any number of reasons that we never worked together. It may have been scheduling, compensation, genres of work... or it may have been because there was just an utter breakdown in communication.

So what can you do to make communication go more smoothly?

Approach Me as an Equal: I am here to make art, just like you are. Neither a condescending tone nor overwrought flattery will get you especially far with me. A respectful message written from one artist to another will.

Cover Logistical Details Early: Telling me right off the bat about the location, scheduling/availability, concept/genre/theme, medium, and proposed compensation is incredibly helpful. I understand that some of those details need to be negotiated and/or arranged, but the more information that I'm given up front, the easier it is to confirm everything.

Answer and Ask All Questions: Sometimes I have a few questions. Sometime others have a few questions. Asking all questions at once, and answering all of the questions posed, is infinitely easier than dragging out a string of twenty messages of one-liners. If you will want to know about my rates, availability, and what wardrobe I have on-hand, ask me all of those questions in the same message. If any one of those is going to be a dealbreaker, I'd much rather we found out sooner rather than later.

Offer a Budget: If you suspect that you can't afford my rates, putting a number on the budget you're working within right off the get-go is far preferable than just telling me that you're a starving artist and asking for rates. I do not quote different rates simply based on the fact that somebody tells me that they're broke, or because they ask for a deal.

...

But when somebody is communicating in a clear and respectful manner, I find that my rates become far more flexible, and I'm much more willing to negotiate on all points. I truly do enjoy finding a way to make details work out. But it takes two to work the details out, just as it takes two for a successful collaboration.

Equipment

2010-09-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

Photography equipment is not what makes great images. The equipment is the tool you use to make great images. And while having high-quality tools can certainly help you along the way, and ultimately allow for higher quality, you can do quite a bit with the basics.

I've been contacted by a few photographers who tell me that they only have a point and shoot camera, but that they're doing as much as they can with it. Their concern is that I won't be willing to shoot with them based on the gear they're using. My thoughts? Heck yes, I'll shoot with them! The art of photography isn't based in throwing money at lots of shiny gear.

During these shoots, I've also learned that those tiny little point and shoots can offer far more control than I'd previously known. Just as DSLRs offer a whole exciting world past "auto," point and shoot cameras can give photographers a surprising amount of leeway and control.

It's easy to have a big, fancy camera that can do anything and everything. But if you don't know how to use it beyond on-auto-autofocus-click, the high-quality tool really isn't going to make much of a difference in the final product. If you have a modest camera but use it to the fullest possible extent, you can put out some solid, respectable work. It's not the equipment you have- it's what you do with what you've got.

Life, Undocumented

2010-09-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

There exist thousands upon thousands of photos of me. My hipbones, my pubic hair, my clavicle, my breasts, my jawline, my eyes... all are exceedingly well-documented. Years from now, there will be no question as to what I looked like during this time in my life.

But that's about where it ends. As I mentioned a few months back, in my post about snapshots, I'm not much a picture-taker outside of an artistic context. Perhaps it's my aggressively minimalist approach to life causing a feeling that photos would be just one more thing to deal with. Or perhaps it's because I hesitate to detach myself from the moment in order to document it. Whatever the reason, I have very, very few photos of myself in day-to-day life.

This photo was taken last weekend at Tour de Fat, the world's largest bike parade. Cameras abounded at the event, but thus far, this is the clearest photo of me that I've found. It exemplifies my presence in most candid photos- fleeting and distracted.

As I make my way through life, it's my physical self, my body, which is documented. But what I do with this body? By and large, it remains undocumented.

Life Modeling- Part 2

2010-08-25T10:12:00.001-07:00

You've booked yourself your first gig. You're sitting on the modeling podium in your robe, waiting for the session to begin. What next?

The Art of Holding Very Still

Drawing groups are generally structured to start with shorter gesture poses (generally between 30 seconds and two minutes), and work up to longer poses (generally between 20 and 40 minutes). Along the way, you can generally expect breaks every 30 to 60 minutes.

Gesture poses are the chance to get dynamic. You can select poses that you wouldn't be able to hold for extended periods of time, but can hold for a few minutes. Putting yourself off-balance, leaving limbs unsupported in space, stretching, and unusual weight distribution are all ideas to play with for gesture poses. So long as you're capable of holding the pose for the given window of time, consider it fair game. More on gesture poses can be found here.

As the length of the poses increases, begin opting for poses that will be easier to maintain over time. With longer poses, if you settle into it and suspect that any body part will start hurting, know this: it will. It will hurt more spectacularly, and more vibrantly, than you can possibly imagine until you've decided to test that theory once.. twice.. or a dozen times, if you're a slow learner, like me.

Pain aside, it's easy to start drifting out of longer poses. Twists can be difficult to maintain, and limbs that aren't supported will often begin to drift. I try to keep all of my extremities in contact with either my body, the floor, a stool, or something else that won't be moving. That way, I have multiple points of reference as to how I was posed. To keep my head in position, I let my gaze fall directly in front of me, and then I pick a visual point to focus on.

Over the course of the session, remember to rotate. This is especially true if the group barely fits in the space, and people can't move easily if they want to draw from a different angle. It can be frustrating for artists to get a disappointing angle for every single pose through the evening, but not being able to easily move. Try to give everybody at least a few front, back, and profile views along the way. Similarly, vary between sitting, reclining, and standing poses.

From time to time, you'll encounter "long pose" drawing sessions, in which you're holding the same pose for the entire session. When working with painters, you can also expect to hold one pose through the entire session. Of course, you'll still get breaks during long pose sessions. Before the first break, the organizer may put tape down on the chair to mark where different body parts were.

After the Gig

I generally leave life modeling sessions feeling very tired, and very hungry. And satisfied. Beyond taking care of your food, water, rest, and stretching needs, there isn't too much more for me to suggest.

Though there is no substitute for experience, I hope that this guide can help novice life models on their way. My inbox is always open for specific questions as well. Happy sitting!

Life Modeling- Part 1

2010-08-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I did quite a bit of figure drawing. It was a means of relaxation, and I even managed to pull out a scholarship offer at one school. It's what put the idea of figure modeling in my head to begin with. These days, I only occasionally make it to open sessions to draw. It's always a pleasure when I do, and I've found that it also helps me improve as a life model.

So, as somebody who has spent quite a bit of time on both sides of the art horse, here's a crash course in modeling for life drawing. I'll start from the beginning, with advice on finding work as a life model, the continue on from there.

Setting Things Up

How exactly does one begin working as a life model? You can do an internet search for local art schools and drawing groups, then contact them and let them know that you're available as a model. I also contact drawing groups which advertise on Craig's List. I've found that groups often book anywhere from 2-6 weeks in advance, though as they get to know you, you may also get called when they have last-minute cancellations from other models.

Make sure that you note the date, time, address, and the name and phone number of somebody who you can reach that day if you need any last-minute assistance with directions. Some locations are easy to find with mapquest, but I've found that if somebody tells you that it's a bit tricky to find, it's worth getting clarification from them before you set out on your way. Many organizers like to confirm with the model a day or two beforehand. If the person who has booked you calls to confirm and you aren't able to answer, make sure that you call them back as soon as you're able to let them know that you will be there.

Preparation

When I'm going to a life-drawing gig, I bring my modeling robe, 3 x 5 cards with my stats and contact information, and a bottle of water. I make a point of eating a good meal beforehand- getting light-headed mid-pose is far, far less desirable than being slightly bloated. I have an irrational aversion to stretching prior to phyiscal activity, but many people find it to be useful.

I like to arrive to drawing groups about fifteen minutes early. It quells any concerns about flakiness, and that way I'm able to meet and chat with artists as they arrive. A bit before the group is set to start drawing, I duck into the bathroom to change into my robe. While avoiding elastic marks left by clothing isn't as crucial for drawing groups as it is when working with photographers, it's a habit that I maintain for all gigs.

I'll cut things off for now, but stay tuned for the next round- how classes are generally structured, and tips and tricks to help you while posing!

Maturity

2010-08-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

I recently hit the quarter-century mark of my life. A few weeks prior, I found my first grey hair. It’s a sign of the times, kiddos. I’m a grown up. Well… maybe.

Through middle school, high school, and even into college, I often heard comments on how mature I was. I tended to relate more easily, and on more levels, to people older than me. I didn’t dick around with the usual coming-of-age phases. I was bored and unimpressed with drunken parties by age 17, and always found philosophy more compelling than gossip of who was sleeping with whom. I was enthusiastic about learning, and sinking my teeth into projects with meaning.

But then I veered off course. I quit my almost-respectable job. I moved into my car. My plans to go to veterinary school were cast aside within a few months of my departure from a normal(ish) existence. I became a leaf on the wind. Over the past few months, I’ve encountered an increasing number of people who are dubious upon learning that art modeling is my full-time job, and the only job that I wish to have at this time. It seems that I unwittingly passed the expiration date for a lifestyle of whimsy and youthful optimism. Suddenly, I’m the one who has fallen behind on the maturity curve.

But ya know, I’m pretty sure that I’m okay with this. I’ve dipped my toes into the pool of Adulthood, and it wasn’t all that impressive. I’ve no doubt that there will come a day when I crave more stability and predictability, but I won’t soon forget the lessons that I’ve learned as a leaf on the wind.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, You Mean I Have to Care About This?

2010-07-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a freelance model. I sell the right to use my likeness. There's more to it, of course, but that's a pretty big part of it. What that means is that I have to actually care about my likeness, and put some amount of effort into maintaining it. Given that an exceptionally natural appearance is one of my selling points, what exactly does that mean?

It means that, for the first time in my life, I have actually polished off an entire bottle of sunblock. In days gone by, I was perfectly happy to let my face, arms, and shoulders brown in the sun. No more! I compulsively slather on waterproof, sweatproof, bombproof sunblock of an obscenely high SPF, in an ever-losing battle to keep all of the skin on my body approximately the same color. When that fails, I lay out in the sun wearing armwarmers. Just armwarmers.

Before I started modeling, I didn't even own conditioner. Shampoo, sure, but not conditioner. I would throw my hair back into a bun and happily forget about it for the following, oh, five days or so. Sometimes I would decide that it was unmanageably long, and have a roommate give me a haircut after a glass of wine (or two, or...). Whether or not my hair was long enough to cover my nipples was certainly not a point of consideration, as it now is. (FYI: My hair is, in fact, currently long enough to cover my breasts completely. Book now if you like shooting implied nudes of this nature!)

Previously, getting overly ambitious about my abilities to hop up a curb on my bike would have resulted in a skinned knee and a bruised ego. Today, getting overly ambitious about my abilities to hop up a curb on my bike results in a skinned knee, a bruised ego, and (re)scheduling shoots based upon said skinned knee. Similarly, any activities that I'm concerned may leave bruises are scheduled into stretches of time between shoots.

None of this is an especially big deal, or difficult to manage. But it does add up a little more every day, and that does, at times, leave me befuddled as to when exactly all of this started mattering to me. It may look like I put no effort into my appearance, but I do. When somebody hires me, they're expecting the most photogenic incarnation of Kari available- one that requires little to no photoshop to make presentable. And so I do my very best to deliver.

To Be Fair to All the Non-Twitterers

2010-07-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

I hopped social media for the latest free modeling time trivia question. It can be found at twitter.com/modelkarimarie, and I will happily take answers in comments here, or there. First correct one gets two hours of free modeling time- San Francisco, Albuquerque, and the midwest, I'm lookin' at you in the next few months!

Out of the Car, Into a Plane

2010-07-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

For the first time in months, I've switched transit modes from car to plane. If you're like me, and traffic stresses you out, Manhattan is not a place to drive. So I fly. In spite of generally being a savvy traveler, and at least moderately techno-competent, there was something that threw me off quite a bit this time around.

Did you know that you can have boarding passes on your phone?! I don't just mean check in online with your phone, then print out your boarding pass at one of those handy kiosks- I mean the airline sends you a text message, and that text is your boarding pass. I had no idea! Being that I am chronically suspicious of new technology, I still opted to print out a pass at one of the kiosks. Maybe for my flight home, I'll put on my game face and give this whole telephone boarding pass thingy a try.

Maybe.

At least one thing has remained the same, though. I'm still the weirdo who wakes up on planes with an abrupt, violent jerk. Ah, stability.

Muse Romance, Part 2

2010-06-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

In the first entry on this, I primarily addressed obstacles often faced by the one doing the painting, drawing, or photographing. I didn't intentionally omit the influence of the model. In that regard, I can only speak to my own experiences. I haven't swapped stories with other models, to see how things compare. Admittedly, I'm going to veer off-course here, and out of the realm of strictly romantic relationships. I think it's still relevant enough to run with, though.

The notion of modeling for, or in front of, people that I know from a different context petrifies me. It's been a mental block that I've had from the get-go. One of the first photographers that I worked with insisted that models he hadn't worked with prior bring an escort. It was the only time that I have brought an escort to a shoot. I called upon one of my best friends, who also happens to be a former partner. And I then made him stay tucked away in a back corner out of sight for the duration of the shoot.

I've been able to ease up slightly since then. I've shot self-portraits in the presence of another person once, though only because I knew that he was quite occupied with selling all of the furniture in his house, including the chair that I really wanted to use. I've modeled for exactly one person with whom I was friends prior to shooting. It worked because we both went right into business mode, and stayed in business mode until we finished shooting.

I don't know exactly why modeling for, or around, friends and loved ones is so difficult for me. A big part of it is that I don't want artistic differences creating tension with people in whom I'm emotionally invested. I suspect that there are additional variables playing into it that I'm simply not aware of at this time. Either way, it does cause me to be decidedly biased against modeling for those that I hold near and dear. I do buy into fantasies of the artist/muse storybook romance, but honest evaluation tells me that it's not for me.

Muse Romance

2010-06-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

One of the more heralded relationship models out there, so far as I can tell, is that of the artist and muse who are madly in love with one another. Their passion fuels magnificent art, one piece after another. Together, what they create far surpasses what either of them would have created independently.

But sometimes, it doesn't quite work that way. For whatever reason, once two people begin existing as romantic partners, their ability to create together sometimes drops away. I've personally experienced it with my partner- it's exceedingly rare that I pose for him, and what is probably the best piece he's drawn of me, was executed before we began dating. I've heard similar accounts from others. Some people find themselves painting what they expect their partner to look like, rather than how their partner actually appears. Others struggle to objectively evaluate what is more or less flattering when the subject is somebody who they always perceive as beautiful.

This isn't to say that the ideal doesn't exist. It certainly does, and those are the relationships that turn into the love stories of the art world. As always, I'm curious as to others' experiences with this. How does the creative process play out with your romantic partners? Do you inspire one another, and push one another to new artistic heights? Or do you find that creative energy sputters out the closer you become to a romantic partner?

Burnout

2010-06-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

I know what this looks like. I've seen it before plenty of times, myself. The posts become fewer and further between. Content becomes increasingly trivial. They're all signs of a blog on it's last legs. The author loses interest, gets distracted, whatever the cause, it becomes one more casualty on the pile of discarded and forgotten sites. Geocities, anybody?

But the time has not yet come for this one. Oh no, I'm not gonna roll over yet. But I will fess up to having succumb to burnout over the past month or so. Life on the road finally caught up with me. I used to approach the inevitable speedbumps that come with being a traveling model as exciting challenges, or at least opportunities for growth. More and more, they started just knocking me flat on my ass. I spent more than a few days being a pile of sludge, staying at my mom's house, attempting to mold myself back into something vaguely resembling a human. Success was only moderate. Motivating oneself to write anything interesting is difficult when one is plagued by sludginess. And so things for me dropped off in the ole blogosphere.

But then the beginning of June rolled around. I had a light at the end of the tunnel- I was finally getting into a place in Loveland, CO with my sweetie and, of course, our dogs. The good news didn't stop there. My final destination en route to home sweet home was in Omaha. I've only been through Omaha once before, and was amazed at how well the trip went, given the utter lack of self-promotion on my part. Once again, Omaha blew me away. I had four highly enjoyable shoots in just over 24 hours. This should have been a rather exhausting endeavor, especially given my general state, but instead it left me feeling inspired and rejuvenated. Golly gee, NOW I remember why I fell in love with this job! My enthusiastic and sincere thanks go to everybody that I worked with on my way out to Colorado.

So here I am now, getting settled into my home in Loveland. I've started planning a trip to New York City in early July, and am looking forward to a chance to breathe easy as I get reacquainted with northern Colorado. And come my next round of travel, you can bet I'll be ready to dive in headfirst.

Tales from the road

2010-05-18T20:04:00.001-07:00

About six months ago, I ceased to have an actual physical address. I have a UPS mailbox, sure, but for the moment, I do not have an actual room, or even part of a room, that is mine. But I do have my car. And when your car becomes the only private space you have, funny things start happening to your relationship with it. It becomes your place to let your guard down, your place to have emotionally strenuous phone conversations, and your place to find solitude. It becomes your home. But sometimes, other people don't get the memo that your car is your little box of Personal Space.

A few months ago, while at Zion National Park, I was engaging in my usual ritual of pulling out the atlas to decide where I was headed that afternoon. I still had a day or two without any commitments, and was making plans moment by moment. Before I reached any conclusions, my mind started wandering, and I was happily zoned out before long. So there I was, sitting in my car with the windows down, map laid out in front of me.

From my perspective, this was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Everybody just zones out and stares at the wall once in awhile, right? Right. From the perspective of a well-meaning stranger, I was looking awfully hard at that map. So the well-meaning stranger came up to my open window, and asked if he could help me.

This nearly gave me a heart attack. The closest comparison that I can come up with would be if somebody saw you fiddling with your VCR through the living room window, and knocked on your door to offer their assistance. Weird, weird, weird! While the rational part of my mind appreciates the gesture and intent, the emotional part of my brain was utterly befuddled and dismayed by this invasion of privacy.

Not surprisingly, the well-intentioned stranger was friendly. Admittedly, it took me a few minutes to compose myself enough to hold up my end of the conversation in a semi-coherent manner. But in the end, I came out of it once again appreciating the good intentions of strangers, and with some new knowledge about myself, and my evolving relationship with my car.

Why I Wander

2010-04-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

Some models travel not because they want to, but because they have to. It's a part of the job, and so that's what they do. I'm not one of those models, though. Staying in one place has never come naturally to me, and modeling serves as the current means of feeding my wanderlust.

For several years, I didn't stay in one place for longer than 6 months, and the average ran more like 3-4 months. Internships, visiting student status, and extended ecology field trips took me all over this hemisphere. Every time that I landed someplace new, it was a chance, in many ways, to start over. Different locales and lifestyles allowed me to emphasize different parts of my personality, and I got to experiment with identity. It was also during this time that I became quite adept at purging unnecessary belongings, and moving across the country by plane.

Ever the neophile, I decided upon graduation from The Evergreen State College that I wanted to try living in a single place for awhile. I was going to try that whole normalcy thing on for size. I planted myself in Seattle for a good year and a half. That's practically forever, by my standards! But during that time, I forgot that a stationary lifestyle was a choice. I forgot that it was a decision that I had made, and one that I could unmake.

When I left, it was to visit vet schools. The plan was that I would decide where I was going to move based on which program impressed me the most. I had expected to travel for a few months, then settle back down and essentially recreate the same life that I'd had in Seattle, and after a year or so go back to school. Clearly, this is not what happened.

Leaving the trap of my routine in Seattle felt like taking a deep breath of air after having been underwater for far too long. Life became richer, and I no longer felt like I was strapped into some strange, scary roller coaster. Ah HA! I spent a month or two panicking about life plans, then finally decided to relax into a nomadic life of making art. So that's what I did.

So what is it that draws me to traveling? I love seeing different parts of the country. I love meeting interesting people, and gleaning insights about the subtle cultural differences across the US. I love the novelty, the excitement, the challenge. I love the freedom.

To be sure, there are aspects of a more stationary lifestyle that I miss. I long for a stronger sense of community, and interacting day to day with old friends, rather than primarily with new friends. But for now, sacrificing what I get from travel is surely not worth it. At least for now.

Ropework

2010-04-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

There is a plethora of props that find their way in to the photos I shoot. Everything from chairs to sheer fabrics, step ladders to masks. But this entry isn't about any of those props, because none of those props compose their own subgenre of photography. This is about rope.

Sometimes, when asked to shoot bondage, I tell people that that's not the type of content that I shoot. While it is true that I don't shoot damsel-in-distress, or overtly sexual bondage work, it isn't exactly true to claim that I don't shoot bondage, ever, period, end of story. In fact, I think that rope is really really neat. You can do some awfully beautiful things with it, and I am enamored the aesthetic of it. Bondage modeling is something that has been of interest to me ever since I started getting naked for art.

In spite of my long-standing interest in it, it took me quite awhile to get around to shooting any such themes. At last, two years after I started modeling, I shot this with my good friend, Arren Parker. It is exactly the type of imagery I'd hoped to create, and I'd say that it was well worth the wait. The emphasis isn't on "ZOMG, look, she's all TIED UP, isn't that HOT!", but falls instead on on the form, the light, the shadows. It's a figure study, with rope. I've found relatively few such images, though I always keep an eye out for such work.

And while I could claim that figure studies with rope are the only type of bondage that I'm interested in shooting, that would be a lie, too. For many of the reasons that I like shooting urban nudes, I'll admit- I like shooting suspensions in unlikely places. So while in Seattle this past March, Arren and I set out once more with rope bag and camera. And we created this.

I've shot with rope a handful of other times with a few different photographers, but these two images really nail the type of bondage photography that I love. In truth, I'm too much of a control freak to pursue shooting ropework on a more regular basis. While I'm delighted to help others execute their vision with many types of art nudes, this is one area where I'm really just interested in executing my vision. So I'll continue to shoot it here and there with people who I know and trust in a personal and professional capacity. And in the meantime, I will always be available to help others manifest their artistic vision with chairs or fabric, stepladders or masks.

Hijacking My Own Blog

2010-03-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

Bear with me, readers, I'm going to break away from the usual themes for a moment. I really love brains. I mean, I'm sure we all have some attachment to them, but I REALLY love brains. So I'm going to hijack my otherwise focused blog to mouth off for awhile about how awesome they are.

One thing that I find especially fascinating- and inspirational!- about brains is the fact that they can change themselves. Every thought, every sensation, every experience- they all make a slight change into the structure of your brain. As we go through life, we are constantly restructuring our brains. We're strengthening pathways, making connections, and dismantling pathways that as they become less frequently used. Use it or lose. Need it? Build it.

Research is indicating that this flexibility extends far further into adulthood than was previously thought. People afflicted with various troubles ranging from incomplete recovery from stroke to obsessive compulsive disorder, phantom limb pain to blindness from childhood, have broken through what used to be viewed as insurmountable walls. When approached from the perspective of, "How can we rewire your brain?" the possibilities become boundless.

As I make my way through life, I try to remain aware of what pathways I'm strengthening, and what patterns I'm writing in to my structure of my brain. It inspires me to know that I can think a change in my brain right into existence. I am not merely on the ride of where my mind takes me, but can put myself right in the driver's seat.

Since it's been awhile since the last round of trivia-for-free-modeling time* I suppose I'll throw a question out there in time for my travels to San Francisco, then to all stops east. There is a specific term for the brain's ability to change itself. First reader to nail it wins!

*Yes, the rules still apply.

Killing My Self-Portrait Buzz

2010-03-18T23:13:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have seen me with an actual home base. I'm staying with a friend in Olympia, Washington, in a trailer that was long ago rendered stationary. It's cozy, to be sure, but works reasonably well for day to day life.

Unless your day to day life includes shooting self-portraits. If you've never attempted shooting self-portraits in a space the width of one road lane, complete with furniture that's bolted in place, let me share my new-found insights with you. It is awkward. And difficult. Really. Bloody. Difficult.

I've made a handful of attempts, all of which have left me cursing in frustration. I'm sure that somebody with more knowledge on how to bend light to her will could pull it off. Alas, I am not so skillful at this point. Though I could always haul myself out to any of the nearby forests to shoot some nature nudes, my personal interests and projects as of late have laid primarily in studio work.

Ah, well. For now, I'll just have to scratch my arty itch on one side of the lens at a time.

Drawing Groups

2010-03-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

Though I don't sit for them with great regularity, I love working for drawing groups. Part of the draw is the fact that I got my start in the figurative arts when I attended open studio sessions, way back before I was even a legal adult. Ah, nostalgia! As such, it's always a pleasure to work with artists of that stripe.

Another part of the appeal is seeing the multitude of styles in I'm drawn. For some, my figure is blocks of light and shadow. For others, it's simple contours. Some people ignore the figure entirely, and opt for a portrait. In other drawings, I exist only from the waist down, as a pair of hands, or a torso. I may be represented as little more than a skeleton, or as a set of dramatic curves. The drawing may leap off the page in a state of euphoria, or may draw inwards in introspection.

And to think, it all can stem from the same pose.

Seattle, Revisited

2010-03-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

Before I threw all my belongings into my car and became a vagabonding nudie model, I lived in Seattle. For much of that time, I worked full-time in a veterinary clinic, modeled on the side, and was a part-time student. Suffice to say, I did not have an excess of free time. My life was chaotic enough that I actively had to take my sleep needs into consideration when making plans. I was constantly on the go, and was only occasionally able to pause long enough to actually enjoy what I was doing.

Since leaving, the effect of the lifestyle change on my happiness has been readily apparent to me. I'm considerably calmer, and laugh a whole lot more than I used to. Though I still have quite the snarky edge, it isn't as biting or cynical as it used to be. I frequently have moments where I'm simply overwhelmed by how much I love life.

It has been really enjoyable to revisit Seattle on these terms. I can't convey how refreshing it's been to be able to really spend time with friends and acquaintances, and not be constantly rushed. My life is not utterly without stressors, to be sure, but I will happily trade the ones that I have now for the ones that I had then. Life is good, and that's how it ought to be.

Self-Delusion vs. Honesty vs. Insecurities

2010-02-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

The world of internet modeling can throw quite a bit at you, and the messages you're given span an impressive range. You're told (and shown!) about every physical imperfection on your body, and you're praised as though you're supernaturally beautiful. New models can expect to be hit with a slew of mixed messages about what genres they can, or can't, expect to have success in. At this point, I feel that I've established a pretty grounded and realistic view of myself, and of what genres I can shoot well.

I'm quite satisfied with my physical appearance, and the work that I do. I'm open and honest about the fact that I do not have the look of most models, and that I will never be a commercial or fashion model. So far as I can tell, I'm one of the very very few women in American society who doesn't have any major points of insecurity in regards to appearance. I certainly haven't always been so self-assured, but at this point, I am.

What I find fascinating is how people respond when I get an honest assessment of myself. When I say something like, "I really don't have the body type for glam work" (I mean, pit hair and A cups? C'mon.) or "I couldn't get signed by an agency if I tried" (I'm 5'2" and all the clear skin in the world won't change that), many act as though I'm criticizing myself. Neither of those are statements of insecurity. They are statements of fact. And they're facts that I'm okay with!

Again, I'm quite satisfied with my appearance. I also know that it is not an appearance with universal appeal. That's fine! I would much rather have an honest assessment of myself, know what I'm good at, and rock out at that, than spend an eternity pining for something different. And hey- on the rare occasion that a photographer does hire me to shoot fashion (or fashion nudes, as is more often the case), I'm happy to rock that out, too. But I have no illusions that any of those gigs will lead to the cover of Vogue. And that's just fine by me.

Nudity

2010-02-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

I recently realized that I may have inadvertently given the impression that I'm a nudist, or a naturist. (Bonus points, by the way, to anybody who can explain the difference between those two terms to me.) For quite awhile, my extended, rambly Model Mayhem profile mentioned that "nudity is my preferred wardrobe, though I will happily don clothing if the concept calls for it." I had always assumed that it was obvious that I meant that nudity was my preferred wardrobe while shooting. Really now, who would give a shit what I wear, or don't, in my personal life? It strikes me as utterly irrelevant. But a few conversations have led me to wonder if perhaps my meaning wasn't as clear as I had thought.

The fact is, I don't hate clothing, or feel more at ease while nude. I'm perfectly happy to be nude, but it is not my default state. There's quite a bit that I appreciate about being clothed. For starters, I've found it to be a pretty handy way to instantly communicate something about yourself to the world. Even if you're like me, and are utterly incapable of dressing yourself coherently, your apathy about fashion says something about you. Plus, clothes are really handy when it's cold. What on earth would I do without layers in the winter?

But I began modeling nude from the get-go, and it's by far what I have the most experience with. I am well-equipped, both in appearance and personality, to shoot art nudes. I get the concept, and I get what is being conveyed by the image. I love shooting nudes, both as a model and a photographer.

I've found that wardrobe, as often as not, confuses my understanding of the intent of the photo. For the first couple of years that I modeled, the notion of shooting in something like jeans and a t-shirt left me utterly befuddled. I like to think that I'm generally a pretty clever lady, but shooting casually in clothing just wasn't something that my brain could wrap itself around. Over time, I've begun building up more experience modeling in clothing, and have become increasingly at ease with it. But it is still less intuitive for me than is nude work.

So that's that. Nudity is pretty nifty and all, but it is not an obsession, or something about which I feel strongly in my personal life. It's just the way in which I feel the most at ease in front of the camera.

Embarassing Personal Confession to the Internet, Episode 782

2010-02-06T13:59:00.000-08:00

I like Las Vegas. I really do. I know that I'm supposed to be all granola and into nature and hippie stuff, and as a result, I'm supposed to hate places like Las Vegas. But I also have an appreciation for the absurd and surreal, and the Las Vegas strip is most certainly both of those.

Last night, taking advantage of the open bar night in one of the hotels, I looked out the window onto a scene of lit up palm trees and pools. Posh bar, posh view. All I could think was, "This is so fucking weird!" Giant fireballs, several story fountains, pirate ships... who comes up with this stuff?

I confess, the first time that I visited to Las Vegas, a bit over a year ago, I expected to end up a nervous, twitchy wreck. Casinos aren't my scene, and as a general principle, I think that desert residents would be well-served by erring on the side of conservative water usage. But my anticipated nervous breakdown never occurred.

This time around, I do find myself truly appreciating the WTF factor of Vegas. It's not where I'd want to live, but it is a decidedly entertaining and surreal place to visit.

Snapshots

2010-01-22T17:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not very good at them. I'm not good at looking even remotely dignified (or sane) in them, and I'm not good at taking them. For whatever reason, they just aren't a wavelength that I can jive on.

Most of the snapshots of me that exist from the past decade or so were taken of me by classmates on field trips. There are a handful taken by family, and a handful taken under various other circumstances, but that's about it. Entire chapters of my life have little to no photographic evidence. What photographic evidence does exist generally indicates that I am eternally 16 years old, and possibly rabid.

It's not like I'm prone to taking them, myself, though. I've gone years without owning a functional camera, and the Nikon D60 that I bought over the summer is the first decent camera that I've owned since early high school. Even when I have had a camera, including now, I'm just not inclined to take pictures of day to day life. If I'm going to take pictures, I do it purposefully, and as its own activity.

When I left on this latest round of travel, multiple people urged me to take pictures. And I'm trying, I really am. But... I've been busy hiking! And having challenging conversations! And building fires! And, of course, getting naked for art! My Nikon hasn't come out in a week or so. The best I've managed is taking a camera phone shot of Jitterbug at most new locations. Today it was a shot her looking bored and slightly surly by a cactus at Saguaro National Park. It isn't much, but it's a heck of a lot more than I've ever done in the past.

Ultimately though, my mind just isn't wired for snapshots. If I'm going to play a role in creating an image, I want it to be purposeful. Whether as subject or photographer, I can't go halfway. There will be intent, or there will be nothing.

..well... except for an unimpressed dog with a cactus, I suppose. There will always be that.

2010-01-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update. I'm not usually one for photo updates (that's what Model Mayhem is for!), but this photo describes the past few days more succinctly than I could ever hope to. That's me and Jitterbug, about an hour southeast of Albuquerque, where we spent a few days staying in an old train car, sans running water or electricity. It was blissful.

As for future plans? We'll be spending a few more days camping, and then it's on to Arizona then up the west coast!

Home

2010-01-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

The concept of "home" really messed with my head for a few years in my late teens and early twenties. I didn't feel like I had one. I was born and raised in Indianapolis, and though I've made fairly regular visits- even spending a semester in the middle of my college career there- it does not feel like home to me. Much of my time in my early 20's was spent in 3-6 month stints in Olympia, Washington. But my relationship with Olympia has been tenuous at best. I frequently ran away for months at a time. I went to Texas, to Costa Rica, to Indianapolis... in a constant search for a place that felt like home.

After graduating from college, I ended up settling down for a year and a half in Seattle. It was a good fit for the time that I was there, and I was finally able to stop my relentless search.

At least for a bit.

Gradually the routine of my life and, to be perfectly honest- the weather, began to wear on me. Seattle did me right, but it was time to set off again. It was time to find a place where I wanted to really put down roots.

And boy, did I ever. Though I'd visited it mostly for shits and giggles, Colorado ended up stealing my heart. I spent November and December bouncing between northern Colorado and Denver, and I'm quite pleased with the area. The people are friendly and engaging, the arts community is mind-bogglingly active, and the weather is dry and sunny. WIN!!

I'm on the road once again, but I'm looking forward to returning to Colorado later this spring. Though it will likely be a lifetime before I fully shake my nomadic streak, I'm looking forward to really putting down roots in one place. Traveling through the western half of the country over the winter and early spring will be a blast, but it feels good to know that I'll have a home at the end of it.

Art-Related New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-31T17:24:00.000-08:00

I suppose they're more general goals than resolutions, but I'm okay with making a New Year's faux pas in this regard. Here we go:

-Shoot self-portraits everywhere
-Don't lose my new, awesome, very small wireless shutter trigger (Thanks, Dad!)
-Continue to get more dynamic and creative in my posing, and have a portfolio that reflects it
-Begin regularly using other people as my photographic subjects
-Seriously, don't lose the trigger!
-Scout locations in Colorado
-Continue writing here on a regular basis

Happy New Decade, everybody!

Music

2009-12-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

Artists will occasionally ask that I bring music with me for while we're working. I suspect I might be the only model on the planet that feels this way, but I would much rather listen to whatever somebody else has on hand than any of the music I could bring with me. I don't own CDs, and my ipod hasn't been updated in two years. I am sick to death of everything that's on it, and it serves only as a last-ditch option when I'm driving through the areas with exactly three radio stations, one of which is country, and two of which are hell-and-damnation talk radio. And ya know, sometimes hell-and-damnation talk radio makes for some pretty decent entertainment.

It's also the case that I find it fascinating to hear what music people like creating to. For some, it's all classical, all the way. For others, jazz rules. I've posed to everything from the chants of Gregorian monks to swing. Others still turn the radio to a widely agreeable station, but ultimately seem to have no investment whatsoever in the background music.

When I'm shooting self-portraits to music, I generally put on one of my favorite two Pandora stations. I don't follow the current music scene, or individual artists, and Pandora makes it easy for me to find music that I like without actually, well, looking for it. If I'm mostly shooting headshots, casual, or figure studies, I generally opt for my Feist/Metric/Lily Allen/Sia inspired station. If I'm shooting something darker or moodier, it's my Razed in Black/She Wants Revenge/Wolfsheim/Apoptygma Berzerk/Neuroticfish inspired station. As often as not though, I'm quite happy to work only to the tune of my own thoughts.

Wait, when did that happen?

2009-12-18T23:18:00.000-08:00

Up until recent years, my sister was, first and foremost, a dancer. From even before I can remember, she has been in classes, on stage, and improving anywhere and everywhere. She is a brilliant choreographer, and an incredibly gifted performance artist. For several years, she took the stage on the artistic front and I threw myself wholeheartedly into the sciences. Though artistic interests popped up as an occasional sidebar in my life, my heart belonged to my left-brain pursuits.

Over the past few years, an interesting shift has occurred. My sister has taken several steps back from the world of dance. Though she still dabbles in it, performance is no longer her driving passion. She shifted direction to massage therapy, and so far as I can tell, has been quite content with her decision. Dance has taken a back seat for her. At the same time, I’ve become increasingly interested in the visual arts. Modeling, photography, drawing- yes, please! I yearn to create compelling imagery. It feels as though, at least in this regard, we’ve had a full-on switch of identities.

Of course, my devotion to all things zoology-related hasn’t waned entirely. As such, I at least keep a finger on the pulse of said interests. And hooo, boy, do I have some exciting news to share. Awhile back, I posed the first question in my trivia-for-free-modeling-time series. It was about intelligence in octopuses. Anybody who gets even half as excited as I do about animal behavior will be positively bouncing with glee at report that octopuses have joined the ranks of tool-using animals. I may be increasingly arty, but my inner nerd shines on!

What Do You Do?

2009-11-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

Ah, the ubiquitous getting-to-know-you question of choice for Americans. I always find it somewhat difficult to answer in a way that I find satisfactory. It isn't so much the question that bothers me, as the implication and assumption behind the question. In many ways, we are defined by our jobs. How you pay the bills is treated as a core part of your identity as a human. That's never been a notion with which I've been entirely comfortable. I first saw this comic when I was in high school. It resonated deeply with me, because of how it unapologetically rejects that assumption.

And yet! Forty hours a week is a long time to spend doing something you hate. I've always been fortunate enough to hold jobs from which I got something more than just money. Tutoring, childcare, working in a Halloween store, wildlife rehabilitation, veterinary assisting, art modeling... they've all been something more than just a paycheck to me. Though I've certainly been more enamored with some than others, none of them were simply selling myself for 8 hours/day, 5 days/week, at $X/hr. As such, I generally like talking about what I do. Whatever it is I'm getting out of it, I'm happy to share those experiences and insights with others. I find more and more that a substantial part of getting-to-know-you conversations involve a lot of me talking about art modeling.

It's a difficult balance for me to strike. I don't want to embrace the assumption that what I do defines who I am. The reality is that it's me, the complete human, who defines what I do.

So You Wanna Get Naked on the Internet?

2009-11-17T11:06:00.001-08:00

Once again, I've been inspired by the Model Mayhem forums. A female model recently inquired as to whether Bad Things had ever happened to anybody who had nude images on the internet. She had commented that it didn't seem like it was necessarily that big of a deal. And really, most people can probably have some nude images up online and keep that fact unknown to those who they don't want to be aware of it.

There are steps that many models take to minimize the chances that somebody in their day to day lives will recognize them. You can work under an alias. You can refrain from telling anybody on more than a need-to-know basis. You can request that your face not show in any images. All of these steps can reduce the chances of somebody stumbling onto your nude modeling work and identifying you.

But you can't bank on that. As soon as something hits the internet, it is out of your control. If there is anybody at all that absolutely cannot know about, or see, nude images of you, then you should not model nude for photographers. Painters, sculptors, and drawing groups? Yeah, those are probably safe, and less likely to create a stir even if discovered. But photography is another beast all together.

It can be a wonderful, liberating decision for many people. It certainly has been for me. But it is not a wise decision for everybody. So please- if you're considering modeling nude, really think through where you are in life now, and every direction in which you might possibly go in the future. Because once you're naked on the internet, you can never take it back.

Clearly I'm New to This Whole Colorado Thing

2009-11-15T07:32:00.001-08:00

You Need A Professional For That

2009-11-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

Buckle your safety belts, kids, it's time for a rant.

There seems to be an overwhelming push in the current US culture to be helpless in the face of, well, most anything. On so many fronts, the message that is blared from the speakers is that you shouldn't trust your own judgment, or experiment independently. Turn the problem into the hands of a professional, and let them fix it for you.

Now this is not to say that one should attempt something like surgery, building a house, or suspension bondage after simply perusing a book or two on the matter. But that's a far cry from being able to perform basic first aid, diagnosing and fixing straightforward problems with appliances, or learning some basic ties. And yet, even these actions seem discouraged.

I've taken the Red Cross first aid certification course a few times, with hopes of being able to learn how to, well, fix people who were broken in minor ways. Call me crazy, but that's what I expected out of a first aid course. What I learned instead was how to prevent more damage from happening while getting the person to a medical professional. Very few of the techniques taught stood on their own. I've since been told by a friend that taking a wilderness medicine course is the way to go if I'm seriously interested in learning more meaningful first aid. It's now on my list of things to do at some point in the future.

Even for matters when somebody's health isn't at stake, we're still told to keep our hands off. Do not tinker, lest you void the warranty! Just bring it in to your friendly neighborhood repair shop, and let them take care of it. Rinse, lather, repeat.

And now we wrap around to bondage. I realize that it seems like a rather left-field example, but this post was inspired by a few forum threads that popped up on Model Mayhem yesterday. In each of them, a photographer expressed interest in doing some bondage photography and asked about resources. A good half of the responses each time insisted that the photographer a hire a rigger and have a professional present at all times, lest they do permanent damage to the model. In many cases, this wasn't suggested as an alternative to putting in the legwork and learning from the ground up, but suggested as the only way that bondage photography could possibly be done. This response makes me wonder how anybody ever manages to get fesity in the bedroom without irreversibly breaking their loved ones.

Again, I readily recognize that there are some matters which ought to be left in the hands of people with extensive training. But not everything requires a professional. We're all big girls and boys, we can put on our thinking caps, do some research and figure things out for ourselves. Along the way, we'll learn something new, and gain confidence in ourselves and our abilities. And there's nobody else that can do that for you.

Boo

2009-10-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

It is Halloween. I spent the day peppering the toy stores of northern Colorado with resumes in hopes of picking up some steadier work through holidays. (An aside: Fear not, I'll be back on the road come January. Traveling over the holiday season just sounded daunting.) I'm now sitting at home in street clothes, dinking around on the internet. I have no other plans for the evening. Guys, this might be the most boring that I've been on Halloween.. well.. ever.

As a general rule, I love spooky things. I love playing dress-up. Halloween is a chance for me to go completely nuts with both of these things. When my living situation allowed for it, I've put on full-out haunted houses. Other years, I've just made a point of coming up with clever or exciting costumes. Last year, for instance, I went to a party in full-body zombie make up. That's right. It took two hours to get it all on, and five hours to get it all off. And it was totally worth it.

Though I mostly shoot fine art nudes, modeling occasionally allows me to play around with Halloweeny themes. I've been half buried in the forest, I've wielded a dead raccoon and a very large knife, and I've been washed up on rocks. I delight in creating unsettling, eerie imagery.

So, boring as I am this year, I suppose this will just give me an excuse to make up for it next year. Maybe I'll be more stationary at that point, and can put on another haunted house. And in the meantime, I'll keep shooting the occasional creepy content.

Recognition is a one way road

2009-10-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

So far as I can tell, no artist with whom I've met in a public place has had any difficulty in recognizing me. As soon as our eyes meet, her eyebrows will raise in recognition and she makes a beeline for me. There's no uncertain squinting, no tentative smiles or waves to verify identity, no hesitant voices asking, "Kari??" I occasionally give the oh-so-clever description that I'll look just like I do in my portfolio, but with more clothing and glasses. Even without that hint, nobody who has seen my work as a model has ever had difficulty picking me out of a crowd.

On the other hand, I have plenty of friends and acquaintances whose interactions with me have exclusively involved clothing and glasses. Oftentimes, these folks seem completely thrown off when viewing my modeling work. I can't even recall the number of times that somebody has asked me, "That's you??"

No, I found some other skinny, flat-chested chick with pit hair who's naked on the internet and am merely attempting to pass her work off as mine.

....

Of course it's me! But this is a phenomenon which has established itself as a definite pattern.

As always, I'm interested in hearing others' thoughts on this. Models, have you experienced the same thing? Photographers, painters, etc., do you ever struggle to recognize a model with whom you're meeting for the first time? Non-model, non-artist individuals, rock my world with your outside perspective!

And, for round one in the free modeling time* trivia bonanaza, here's your question: The intelligence of this aquatic animal is especially surprising given their relatively short lifespans and apparently solitary lifestyles.

*Fine print

But where do you PUT all that food?!

2009-10-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

It's a question that I hear often- though mostly in the winter, when I've been pretty physically active. I may be tiny, but I've found that there have been many occasions when I easily out-eat my dining companions. Depending upon my activity level and the weather, my food needs run from paltry to shockingly large. There are times when with but a little nibble here or there through the day, coupled with a small meal at some point, and I'm set. Other times, I have to eat two very sizable meals every day, and graze heavily throughout the day to keep up with what my body wants.

With the recent shift to colder weather, my caloric needs have shot way the heck up. Since arriving in DC a few days ago, I've been devouring PB&J and pasta like none other. It's not easy keeping a scrawny thing like me heated, and my body somehow manages to be especially inept at that whole homeostasis thing. The shift is especially humorous and obvious when, in the dead of winter, I travel someplace warm and I find myself very abruptly eating about half as much food as I had been but a few days before.

My body tells me what it needs, and it's pretty good at being clear in its communication to me. I stay responsive to what it tells me, and it keeps running like I want it, and need it to. If I start eating because I'm bored, or because I'm using it as therapy, tummyaches are almost certainly close behind. If my body is running low on fuel and I ignore the rumbling, things turn ugly fast- the grouchiness sets in, and things will not improve until I have been fed.

So here I am, a bit after midnight, having just polished off a late-night snack of PB&J. My tummy is happy, the rest of me is happy, and all is well in this little corner of the world.

I Barely Even Notice How Much It Hurts

2009-10-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

Fear not, blog-readers, I'm not about to go all emo on you. I'm talking about settling into a pose and holding it... holding it... holding it... you get the idea. If you've never held a pose for, say, 40+ minutes, you might be thinking, "Well golly, Kari, I don't see what the big deal is. You're just sitting there!" While it is certainly true that some poses are easier to hold than others, everything starts hurting if you hold it long enough. What I find fascinating is that, over time, I've begun experiencing this type of pain in a different way than I used to.

But let's back up a bit. Sitting for artists isn't the only reason I have practice holding very still. When I worked in a veterinary clinic, I often had to restrain animals which were, shall we say, rather uncooperative. It generally behooves you to, upon getting a good handle on the patient, not move for the remainder of the time that you're restraining. You do not adjust your grip. You do not shift your weight distribution. If you move, the animal will inevitably begin fighting again. If you hold still, they're much more likely to hold still, too. This isn't a terribly big deal if all that needs to be done is a blood draw. If you're doing something a bit more involved- draining over a liter of fluid out of the abdomen, for example- then you suddenly find yourself with muscled tensed, inevitably in a terribly awkward position, and unable to move. Not surprisingly, it starts hurting pretty quickly. But you absolutely, positively- Do. Not. Move.

Between posing and restraining, I've been pretty nasty to my body. But it's begun developing its own coping mechanisms to put up with all the abuse. I still notice that I'm in pain, but I notice it in a far more detached, almost academic way. Especially if there's music or conversation to keep it out of my central awareness, it really isn't too bothersome. It is only once I move that I realize how badly it hurt. There have been many times where, upon attempting to move a leg or arm, I realize that I can't. I have to reposition it by moving the rest of my body, and then gradually begin working movement back into that limb. It's at this point that the full sensation hits me. And this time around, it's not in that froofy, detached sense.

But I keep on coming back for more. I love working with non-photographic artists. Coming from a background of figure drawing, I want to be able to grant others the ability to work without frequent interruption. Especially when working for private artists, I shrug off using a timer, instead opting to hold the pose until they're done or I simply cannot hold it any longer. The longest I've gone in a single stint was in the ballpark of 70 minutes. It might not be the most glorious, rockstar-esque aspect of modeling, but sitting for artists is most certainly one of my favorites.

Pleasant Surprises on the Road

2009-10-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Since hitting the road to model full-time this past spring, I've gotten to see, and become at least somewhat acquainted with, quite a few parts of the country. Some I had already lived in, some I had driven through, and others have been completely new to me. I'm pleased to report that several cities have blown my measly expectations for them completely out of the water.

Salt Lake City was the first city to really catch my attention. When I had told friends of my route, SLC was often met with a smirk and something along the lines of, "Have fun with all the Mormons." That was pretty much my impression of what it would be like, as well. I mean- Utah! Really, what else is there in that state?! What I found instead was a city full of uber friendly people, fabulous beer(!!), and Sage's Cafe, which quickly earned a spot on my list of all-time favorite restaurants. Were it not for the fact that SLC gets horrifyingly cold and snowy in the winter, I would give some serious thought to making that city my home.

A couple of weeks later, I passed through Lincoln, Nebraska. I'll admit, my expectations for Lincoln were even lower those I had held for SLC. Come on now- Nebraska? Ain't nothin' happening there. Right? Wrong! As soon as I pulled off the interstate, I found a town with a shockingly high density of friendly, charismatic coffeeshops. My host during that time had made a google map of points of interest in town, and I was floored at how many points there were. And they all were genuinely interesting, at that! Since then, I talk up Lincoln every chance I get.

On this past trip, I spent a night in Detroit. I had never been in Detroit proper before, and I found the residents of the city to be a fascinating study. Prior to arriving, I searched for couchsurfing hosts in the area. I noted that several of them made a point of declaring their love for Motor City. During my time in the area, I heard a range of opinions on the city. One thing was clear, though- everybody had an opinion on Detroit, and none of those opinions were lightly held. With how hard Detroit has been hit economically in recent times, many eyes seem to be turned toward the city to see what its future holds. After my brief visit, my eyes are amongst them.

I often hear the areas in which all of these cities are located written off as fly-over country. There's a definite trend toward elitism on the part of coastal residents, and I will readily admit that, after living in western Washington, I had acquired a streak of it myself. But time and time again, I catch flashes of what all that fly-over country as to offer. I can't wait to find what other landlocked, hidden gems are tucked away.

My Super Secret Aspiration as a Photographer

2009-09-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

Clearly, I'm no good at keeping secrets.

Like many other high school seniors, I had my senior portraits taken at one of those big, generic, school portrait powerhouses. Prestige Portraits, maybe? You know the kind- pick three outfits, sit with an overly casual pose next to the block letters of your graduation year, lean with crossed arms against the "graffiti wall," etc. etc. They usually do a decent job, but not much more than that.

They did not live up to the usual mediocre standards when they shot me. In fact, my senior portraits were so bad that I cried upon seeing them. Could it be? Was I really that fantastically ugly? I knew one thing for sure- I couldn't stand the thought of a single one of those images being immortalized in the yearbook. I made my thoughts on that matter abundantly clear to the studio, and went home devastated.

Luckily for me, my mother is a smart lady. She hired a photographer recommended by a colleague to reshoot my senior portraits, so that I would at least have something to give friends and family. The photographer we went to shot in and around her home. She was warm and friendly, and I had a fun time during the shoot. A week or two later, we went back to look at the proofs.

I was thrilled. I loved how I looked in the images. In fact, one of them is still what I consider one of my all-time favorite shots. I felt damn good about myself, and damn good about the photos. They still wouldn't make it into the yearbook, but my grandparents would have something far nicer than a framed ogre sitting on their mantle. That photographer did wonderful things for my self-esteem. I highly doubt she knew how valuable her work was to me, but I'm thankful for it to this day.

I want to be able to do that for others. I want to be able to shoot people and give them images that make them say, "Yowza, I'm hot!" It's an intimidating goal, and I'm nowhere near the skill level to pull it off. But it is a goal I intend on reaching.

Something I've been batting around

2009-09-10T23:16:00.001-07:00

I have very little concept of who reads this blog. I don't know how many people stumble across it once, never to return. I don't know how many people check it occasionally to see if there have been any updates. I don't know how many people sit on the refresh button, just waiting.. waiting... waiting for an update. I added Google's "Webmaster tools" function, but this provides shockingly little information.

Why, you might ask, do I care? I've been toying with the idea of throwing out occasional trivia questions where the first correct answer gets a 2 hour block of free modeling time. The basis for the questions would largely be topics of interest to me- zoology, behavior, cognitive psychology, with maybe a bit of political and pop culture trivia thrown in just for fun.

My interest in trying this stems from a few sources. For starters, I think it could be a nifty way to meet people who probably know more than I do about things I find fascinating. I'm always delighted when conversation while working wanders on to the topic of selection pressures. I also like free stuff. I like getting free stuff, and I like giving away free stuff. Nobody ever said I was good at capitalism. More than anything, though, I'm just plain curious as to what will happen.

Before embarking on this little adventure though, I'd like to get some feedback. A few responses you might give:

A- Yeah! Do it! I'm broke and just starting out, but would love to work with you. I like that you're making it a possibility.
B- Actually, I just clicked over to your blog hoping that there would be more nudies. Now that I see the only image you've posted is of your dog, I won't be back.
C- I'm an artist who stumbled across your blog, and will definitely check back periodically if you start doing this.
D- Kari, just give up and start a Twitter account. That is clearly the more appropriate venue for this.
E- This will only make me resent you more when you politely decline my request to shoot trade with you.
F- If you're curious, just try it. (Please don't say this. I'm trying to get some sort of a feel for what the response will be if I do.)
G- __________.

Pretty please and thank you for your feedback on this one.

It's not about being pretty

2009-09-10T23:07:00.001-07:00

Awhile back, fairly shortly after I'd started modeling, I was chatting with a friend about my work with photographers. She commented something to the effect of, "The goal is to make you look good." I fish-mouthed for a moment before gathering my thoughts enough to tell her that it wasn't about making me look good, but about creating something visually interesting. It might entail me looking pretty, it might not.

I've found there to be little room for egos in the world of art modeling. In fact, I try pretty hard to keep mine out of it. It's all too easy to get caught up in how any given image makes me look, but that's not what matters. What matters is how well the image stands, how well it draws in the viewer. And it doesn't have to make me look pretty to do that.

Parental support

2009-08-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

From accounts I've read by other models, it sounds like there's one particular way in which I really lucked out with this whole modeling thing. I have parents who are supportive of my work. This isn't to say that, when I told them I'd started doing some modeling on the side, they were jumping up and down with joy. I've had to reassure them about my safety and the content I was shooting. But once we talked through these concerns, they've been behind me.

I'm no good at lying, and I hate confrontation. Having my job looming overhead as a raincloud of ever-imminent drama with my family would quickly wear on me. They've supported me through a number of unexpected twists and turns in life, and I'm so happy to have their support in this regard, as well. So thank you, Mom and Dad. Your support truly does mean a lot to me.

Meeting New People

2009-08-28T17:21:00.001-07:00

Oh my poor blog, how I've forsaken thee. The past few weeks have seen me zipping all over the place. To be fair, my life generally involves a fair amount of zipping, but there's been even less home-time than usual. What with all this travel, I'm constantly meeting new people.

It often comes out fairly early into things that I'm a nude model. People's responses to this vary all over the place. Many people are unsure of exactly what is entailed by being an art model. Some are curious as to how I got into it. Others inquire about how I find work. Occasionally somebody's line of questioning makes it clear that they don't believe that this could be a safe, low-skeeze job for one second.

I do my best to represent art modeling in an honest manner. I acknowledge the risks, and where things can go wrong along the way. I clarify the steps I can take to verify that I won't get chopped into bits and left in the woods. I also explain that the vast majority of the folks who contact me really are interested in making art together. There are simply more effective ways to be predatory than hiring me. Truly, I've been lucky with the people who have approached me. I've worked with one fantastic artist after another. It's collaborations with folks like them that keep me in love with my job.

And so long as I'm doing this, and probably after, I'll keep doing my best to explain to friends and acquaintances exactly what it means to be an art model.

Woof

2009-08-08T21:02:00.001-07:00

In case there's any confusion on the matter, that's not me in the picture to the left. That's Jitterbug. She's been my other half for about two years now. By and large, she is a part of my life that isn't known to the artists with whom I work. Though I'm oftentimes asked about various aspects of my life outside of modeling, she just doesn't come up too terribly often.

It's kind of funny how that is, given how well-known she is to other people in my life. I bring her with me any time I'm going to a friend's house where she's allowed. I'm constantly telling Jitterbug stories to those who know her. When I worked at a veterinary clinic, she would occasionally come to work with me. Other times, she would accompany my boyfriend when he met me for lunch. After spending a week in Olympia, Washington with one of my friends while I was out of town, Jitterbug was being greeted by people on the street who I had never even met before.

But she doesn't come with me to shoots, and she doesn't come with me to art classes. Most people with whom I work have no occasion to meet her. But she's waiting for me when I come home, looking up at me with hopeful brown eyes and her comically propeller-like tail. The one good thing about leaving her behind while I'm working is that reunions with Jitterbug are always a delight.

Exotic Locations

2009-08-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

As you can probably figure out for yourself, I don't do much in the way of swimsuit shoots in gorgeous, tropical locations, and I don't get whisked away to look beautiful at the exotic vacation playgrounds of millionaires. But I have gotten to work in some pretty awesome places. I have three general categories of places I really like shooting:

-Beautiful outdoor places. If I'm somewhere that I would be inclined to go hiking anyhow, I'm delighted. I did lots of this when I was living in Seattle. As a perk, beautiful outdoor places tend to have lots of fun things which I can climb on and otherwise interact with. There's far more to work with than, say, a lone stool.

-Daredevil locations. I have a photographer friend who once used the term, "urban nakey stunts" and I immediately fell in love with it. I have to say, I get a kick out of this type of shooting. I'm still fairly cautious when there are people in the immediate area, but I do love seeing where all we can pull it off.

-Unlikely studios. I've shot in a storage unit, I've shot behind a booth in a flea market, I've shot in a prominent, well-known museum- all of them had been set up to function as a studio. Plenty of folks have set up their living rooms to function as a studio, but I love seeing them where you'd never expect it.

And so, while it's no secluded Costa Rican beach, I'll take it. I can only wonder what locations I'll be able to add to my list down the road.

Blogging as a group activity

2009-07-28T15:28:00.001-07:00

Merely a few days after I carved out this little corner of the internet, I learned of another newly born blog. This one is the collective effort of multiple traveling models. I put up my first post there, and expect to be a semi-regular contributor. The other participants are some pretty rad ladies, and I highly recommend you check it out.

Selling myself

2009-07-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

Nude modeling hasn't always been my job. In my other life, I studied ecology and have worked extensively with animals. At this point, I have a reasonably shiny resume detailing these adventures. I'm incredibly proud of the things I've done and I've grown tremendously as a result. By and large, I'm more than happy to share tales of bear-tracking, feeding raccoons, and wrasslin' cats and dogs.

And yet, I hate my resume. I hate summarizing my life experiences into succinct blurbs communicating, "I am experienced, capable, and competent!" I hate buzz-words and I hate skillsets. Dusting off the ol' resume and tweaking it inevitably make me feel cheapened as a person.

On the other hand, selecting images of myself and rattling off my measurements have never bothered me. Somehow, when it is my body which I'm selling, rather than my experiences, everything is hunky dory. Aren't things supposed to be the other way around?

I wonder if this will ever change. In the few years since I began modeling, I know that it has shaped who I am and how I perceive the world. With enough time, will I begin feeling ill at ease when updating my website the same way I do when updating my resume? I surely hope not.

Can I ask you a question?

2009-07-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

When I'm working, my agreement to that question almost always leads to an inquiry about my hair. Not the hair on my head, mind you, but the hair that many women choose to remove- the underarm and pubic hair. I leave mine intact and have found myself down a rabbit hole which, a few years ago I never could have imagined.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? When I was in high school, I was pretty typical as far as loathing my body. I knew I would be very happy with my appearance, if only my body hair wasn't so dark and plentiful. Having larger breasts would be pretty nifty, too. And really, I wish I had a more angular face... if only it were different, I'd be happy with it. But the hair was my biggest complaint, and I dutifully went about removing it. By the time I was 16, I'd tried more hair removal strategies than many adults have. I'd shaved, waxed, used depilatory creams, rubbed the hair off with strange sandpapery mitts, given an epilator a try, tweezed, and bleached. I had removed hair on my toes, my legs, my girly bits, my tummy, my lower back, around my nipples, under my arms, on my chin, above my lip, and around my eyebrows. If only, if only, if only it was gone.

As I left the raging insecurities of adolescence for young adulthood, I began easing up on the aggressive removal of my body hair. I went longer between being waxed or shaving. I was less meticulous and ceased fretting about the areas where the hair was lighter or more sparse. At the same time, I was finding my way into social circles with strong feminist leanings. For the first time in my life, I was around women who I respected with body hair. Heck, no qualifier is needed-for the first time in my life, I was actually around women with body hair.

In the fall of 2004, I ceased removing any hair, save about a centimeter directly above my nose, where my eyebrows otherwise connect. I was done loathing my body, damn it! Around this time, I moved to Olympia, Washington. Suffice to say, my hairy pits had good company. Though my hair is decidedly darker and thicker than most women's, I was not a lone, furry-legged freak.

But what would happen when, about six months later, I moved to rural Texas? I had an offer for an incredible internship at a wildlife rehabilitation center and sanctuary. However, I had some serious misgivings about the wisdom of, as a hairy vegan, moving to Texas. The lure of lemurs and baby raccoons won out, and I headed south. And to my amazement, the hair wasn't a big deal. I never got dirty or scornful looks, no snickering when I passed by groups of teenagers, no subtle packs of razors left on my bed by co-interns. So far as I could tell, nobody gave a shit. I was both dumbfounded and delighted.

And so it continued for several years. Over time, I became increasingly comfortable in my own skin. I realized that truly, my hair was not the big deal I once thought it to be. Once I gave up the unyielding battle, loving my body became pretty easy.

In early 2007, I decided to experimentally remove the hair on my legs. Though I had grown quite fond of my bush and underarm hair, I was less enamored with my leg hair. I consulted the almighty internet for recipes for DIY sugaring (like waxing, for those less versed in hair removal). Shortly thereafter, I found myself mixing water, sugar and lemon juice together over low heat. And then I had at it. It was, in many ways, a mindfuck for me. But I was pleased with the results, and decided to continue.

Shortly after, I blundered into the world of modeling. In responding to ads on posted by photographers, my tone was always apologetic. My phrasing was along the lines of, "I do have a full bush and underarm hair. Hopefully that won't be a dealbreaker for you." And yet, it often wasn't. Even with the hair, I kept getting hired. I could not, for the life of me, figure out how the short, awkward hairy girl was getting work as an art model. And yet, I was. I kept waiting for photographers to realize I was a poor excuse for a model. Surely, this couldn't keep going. And yet, it did.

And now, two and a half years later, here I am. I still remove the hair on my legs, sculpt my bush just enough so it doesn't overwhelm images, and dutifully remove about an inch of hair above my nose. By most standards, my body hair is still quite epic and unruly.

But here's the real kicker. For a few months last winter, I began experimentally removing my underarm hair. I was ready for something different, and suspected more job offers would be a side perk. In those three months, job offers dropped dramatically. Just as I had been in Texas, I was floored. With my memory refreshed as to just how annoying removing the hair in that particular area is (an aside: HOLY JESUS getting your pits waxed hurts!) and financial incentive to let it grow, the choice was clear.

A few months ago, an artist with whom I was working praised my hair, "It's such an F.U. to the mainstream." He didn't quite have it right, though. By itself, my hair doesn't especially matter. It just sits there, and doesn't really have much of an impact on anything. The real F.U. to the mainstream is the fact that I'm a professional model. And for that, I am pleased.